what are your thoughts, lots of Freeborn press coming, and its going to all point back here.
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Now for the critiques:
- The coloring on the links and copyright stuff on the bottom of the page are a bit hard to read with the brown background (some things need to be capitalized there too)
- The tabs on the top are a bit short and harder to read, which doesn't really fit in with the pages, which often have large and easy to read text
- Calling a werewolf a "wolf" may be a bit confusing to people who happen upon the site and may think a literal wolf. My edits will change all "wolves" to "weres"
- There is a Dowth page, but nothing on it. Either there should not be one or add a page for werewolves and humans too
And now for my spell checking skills:
1. Under the story page,
"Freeborn is the story of a particular group of werewolves living in a suburban city and their struggle to keep their existence secret.
In today’s society, werewolves exist all around us. While not great in number, their knowledge of what true “reality” is borders on the unbelievable. But still, in the day to day struggle just to live as what are you are, two groups of werewolves in one city must battle fate as the centuries old secret of their existence risks being shattered by a single person who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
One simple car door slam changed Sherrie's life forever. Surely cutting through the forest would be a good opportunity to clear her head after the fight with her boyfriend left her stranded on the side of a wooded road.
Sherri was wrong. And as a result she would learn what the world is really about, what things really exist outside the realm of typical science, and what we all accept as reality.
Sherri has been bitten, the moon is coming, and the werewolves in the city can only hope that she will not risk exposing their secrets to the world. If she does, the very fabric of reality will be torn for the entire planet. Her blood is calling and the Dowth are watching." ( By the way, is it "Sherrie" or "Sherri?" )
2. Under the Sherri page, rewrite it...
"Sherri is a human with a sudden problem. She's just been bitten and the fact the infection was an accident is of little comfort. She has to come to grips with the real world around her. She is shy and mostly a victim of life, but whether she lives or dies before her first change isn't her choice. Fortunately, not many in the outside world care much about her, including her abusive boyfriend Jordan."
3. Under the Jordan page, the quote should be "You know, if you..." if there was meant to be a pause
4. Under the Jordan page, it should say...
"Sherri's abusive boyfriend. Jordan is often just a pure abusive jerk. He's selfish and takes advantage of Sherri, even to the point of diving off and leaving Sherri in the woods after an argument." ( "Abusive" is a bit overused here, by the way )
5. Under the Fay page, rewrite it...
"Fay grew up loving werewolves but never would have thought they actually existed. Her world is turned upside down once she finds out, but the knowledge could get her into serious trouble. She's fun loving and eager to accept any challenge that comes her way."
6. Under the Zane page, it should be written...
"Zane is a werewolf. He's one of the few that's been one his whole life and, having always been one, he's had a lifetime job keeping that secret hidden from modern day society. He's big and lovable on the surface and has great control over what he is, but he also hides a darker secret, even from the other wolves he associates with."
7. Under the Jack page, it should say...
"If the local group of werewolves used terms like "pack," then Jack would be considered the an "alpha." He's level headed most of the time and takes cues from those around him. He respects humanity and his friends, and seems to be well adjusted to his condition. His only real problem is Max, who runs with a different group. The two meet on a regular basis to argue over keeping their existence secret."
8. Under the Donna page, a better way to write it is...
"A tough street fighter type, Donna has been a were for almost six years. She's come to handle her condition quickly and is more or less the go to person in the local group ( there are two groups in the same city, but only one is local? ) of wolves in the city. She's often the devil's advocate ( why not encyclopedia? ) on all things werewolf, and takes great pride in the fact that she can transform at will."
9. Under the Raymond page, the quote should be "I remember more than most of you what being human's like. Don't ever forget where you come from."
10. Under the Raymond page, the profile should read...
"Raymond is another were in the local group of werewolves that live in the city. While older than the rest, he is often the voice of reason when it comes to decision making, and he has also held on to much ( there is never a good excuse to use "a lot" ) of his humanity. He's not cool, and he's not hip, but takes great pride in this. And he still on occasion works as a certified CPA."
11. Under the Seth page, his bio should say...
"Seth is your general loudmouth werewolf. He's only been one for two years and still can't control his shifting, but that doesn't mean he isn't more than eager to face off to any older wolves out there. Formerly a street rat, he's now trying to deal with keeping the great secret of their existence a secret. Seth is often quipping with humorous one-liners and mocking werewolf films today. He and the older were, Raymond, have actually developed an odd friendship. "
12. Under the Max page, the quote should read "Stop makin' a big deal out of it. No one cares. Hell, the biggest problem we'd have if people knew about us would be all the nerds calling us asking for bites."
13. Under the Max page, it should be written...
"Max is your typical all-American jerk, only he's also a werewolf. Everything comes easy to him. He's good looking, smug, athletic, and was quick to look down on humans as a lower life form, mainly because he already looked at anyone other than him as a lower life form even before he was infected. He runs the other main group of weres in the city and they tend to cause a lot of trouble."
14. Under the Tasha page, it should read...
"Tasha is the main squeeze and werewolf companion to Max, or so Max figures. She's about as dangerous as a werewolf can get: the type of personality that might kill you with a kiss and laugh because of all the noises you make while dying."
15. Under the Chase page, the quote should say "I don't know what to do. All I know is Tasha knows what she's talking about. I mean MAX know's what he's talking about." ( The closing quotation marks are missing from the page too )
16. Under the Chase page, it should say...
"Chase is a new werewolf. He's only been one for about a year and a half, and is still at the mercy of the moon. He hangs with Max and Tasha and their wolf group in the city. He has relegated himself to the lackey position because Max is so much cooler than him, and Tasha is just plain hot." ( A lot of sentences here start with "he" if that also bothers you )
I've only done the story and characters page but it's getting late and this has already taken an hour
But I will say that I do love the look of the website. The colors and design and layout are all really great. It's mainly just spelling mistakes that I've found and not all of the edits need to be implemented, like "wolf" being "were." I do hope you will still take these into consideration and, again, great work on the site
We're working on a new PACKS DEN.. website. and We're looking for format suggestions.. maybe a facebook style? muzzlebook? kind of thing?
should people post pictures? clips? what kind of feel, what kind of operation.. profiles? all we've got right now is this message board.. which is cool, but not very built for growth.
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Scott Gardener wrote: I'd be afraid to shift if I were to lose control. If I just looked fuggly, I'd simply be annoyed every full moon.
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- Keep the forum solution as the very core of the website
- Expand upon the user profile pages, as of functionality and fields
- Add a "Comments" section to the profile page (like dA, etc)
- Keep IRC as the core protocol for an online chat; no proprietary Flash-based (FEH, HUMBUG) chat systems
Move to a self-hosted (therefore not Mibbit) web-based IRC client solution with customizations
- Add a 'werewolf survey' system, which a person fills out their views of what a werewolf should be, and see what the majority view is. A person's own survey submission could be listed in their profile page.
Perhaps even have the results export to a "werewolf code", which would also have a decoder, which could be referenced in forum signatures on other forums.
- Implement a gallery system that accommodates both visual art and writing. This would have to be something that's all-or-nothing. No half-assed gallery systems, as we have far too many of those (deviantART has some flaws, FurAffinity is horrible, etc).
And given that I'm now self-employed (since my last effort; +2 years ago), and have a lot of time in the world (when I allocate such), I may be able to spearhead some of these efforts.