Depression thread

[Noir-Okami]

My dog had to be put to sleep last Sunday. (Severe stomach cancer that my family and I found out about too late to deal with. Had we kept him alive, he would've really suffered, according to the vet.)

Writing about it is starting to make me cry.

[WerewolfKeeper3]

I'm sorry to hear that... my dog died in may, but we don't know why. He's no longer suffering, and while it does hurt now, things will get better. You still have all the good memories of your dog, and they'll help get you through... also... sorry it took so long for me to respond... busy...

[takyoji]

So for over about a year from now I haven't been able to accomplish anything along with the factor of lack of interest in pretty much anything. Haven't been quite swell with school (end of last year was when I first failed any classes, and it seems to be continuing to my senior year), haven't produced anything (photography, web design, web development, 3d modeling, drawing, anything), along with declining with productivity for any work of mine. For some reason it's like this mystical force keeping me from doing anything, even if I'm fully aware, capable, or have done x thing before.

For a year nothing has progressed with anything I've willing chosen to take part of. I was working for the International Professional Pond Contractors Association to redevelop the underlying code of their website as the person before them (whom they paid) seemed to have minimal experience in and I had found several major vulnerabilities in (even in the guy's own website; even finding the man's username/password/location of the website's database). In the beginning I was making consistent progress, then eventually it came to a complete halt, then like a year later of nothing being done thereafter, they obviously dropped me and went to someone else.

Also been wanting to help redo a website for a local church and nothing has come of it for at least 6 months (no design, structure, or anything). Started an afterschool group a few months ago, now I just don't do anything of it anymore (since for at least a month now). Have made very minimal progress on anything of The Packs Den. Can't even do things of my own personal interest. All I can do anymore is just mindlessly play games, or just blab to folks online over instant messaging or IRC.

Nothing ever seems to be of interest anymore, trying to have "fun" with a friend is almost like work. Life just feels cold, hard, and desolate (or more obviously, reality); nothing of warmth anymore. At the same time I pretty much consider that I don't even have much friends anymore; there's nobody I share common interests with (except for one friend somewhat, the only one I do anything with anymore). It's been considered that I have dysthymia (long-term, low-grade depression) for at least a year. Been on Lexapro for like 9 months, not too substantial of a difference; been on Prozac for a few months, not much of a substantial difference. As emo as it may even sound, I would practically love to sob, but can't.

[Sevena]

.

[John Wolf]

Does this also count as the suicide thread ?

[RedEye]

If you mean a thread for dealing with potential sucides; no. When they occasionally crop up, they are directed to sites that are set up to deal with such situations.
We aren't. We are not qualified to do so.

People who are seriously considering suicide need help we can't provide outside of directing them to people who CAN help them.

[Terastas]

Wanda Sykes did a skit last night where she portrayed "Ms. Money," a less-than-qualified financial adviser giving out advice about dealing with health care. The final gag had an actor in the audience ask about pain in his side that he thought might have been a ruptured appendix that was troubling him because he didn't have insurance. Ms. Money's advice to him was to plan a funeral instead of a hospital visit because the former would be cheaper.

This made me want to throw up more than anything, because I'm uninsured and I've been experiencing pain in my left side. I'm pretty sure it's not the appendix since (according to Google images) the appendix and my symptoms are on opposite sides of the body, but it didn't do anything to help me sleep easier last night because I'm back in "OMG what the [bleep!] is wrong with me?!" mode.

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that I lied in bed thinking about that all night last night. The only reason I know I was able to sleep at all is because I had a dream where Scott Brown was laughing in my face boasting about how he was going to kill the bill.

I'm not asking for advice, assistance or sympathy, but if I seem disconnected from discussions or a little more testy than usual, just try to bear with me. I have other things weighing on my mind right now.

[Sevena]

.

[WerewolfKeeper3]

I hope everything works out...

Is it just me, or do i sound like a broken record?

Honestly, i don't know what that would be. Good luck to you.

[Spongy]

Just generally writing here since I can't think of any other place to go, nor do I have anyone to turn to at the moment, and I'm such a depression that I feel even physically ill.

Though that's nothing new. I don't even really know where to go. It's a troublesome situation, really. I'm not fluent enough in Swedish for any of the psychiatrists here to be of much help, since I can't express myself in such a way that it's an actual vent.

There are people I really want to talk to. People I love, but they don't seem to want to talk to me anymore. Ignoring me. I'm too afraid to call. Granted, I've chucked a lot of people aside. I have my reasons for that. I can't go back now.

I'm just in a lot of pain, with no easy way to get rid of it. It's not caused by a sickness that can be cured by a temporary relief pill. It's caused by a deep depression that leaves me unable to even cry. I can't sleep at night. I have anxiety attacks. I seriously consider suicide every day (I am seeing people about that), but lack the courage to go through with it, too afraid of failing and ending up paralyzed, or handicapped, too afraid of an afterlife. (I'm atheist, but still..) And I can't think clearly.


I'm by no means crying out for attention. I don't deserve it. I just had no other place to vent out.

[WerewolfKeeper3]

Just generally writing here since I can't think of any other place to go, nor do I have anyone to turn to at the moment, and I'm such a depression that I feel even physically ill.

Though that's nothing new. I don't even really know where to go. It's a troublesome situation, really. I'm not fluent enough in Swedish for any of the psychiatrists here to be of much help, since I can't express myself in such a way that it's an actual vent.

There are people I really want to talk to. People I love, but they don't seem to want to talk to me anymore. Ignoring me. I'm too afraid to call. Granted, I've chucked a lot of people aside. I have my reasons for that. I can't go back now.

I'm just in a lot of pain, with no easy way to get rid of it. It's not caused by a sickness that can be cured by a temporary relief pill. It's caused by a deep depression that leaves me unable to even cry. I can't sleep at night. I have anxiety attacks. I seriously consider suicide every day (I am seeing people about that), but lack the courage to go through with it, too afraid of failing and ending up paralyzed, or handicapped, too afraid of an afterlife. (I'm atheist, but still..) And I can't think clearly.


I'm by no means crying out for attention. I don't deserve it. I just had no other place to vent out.

One: you don't lack the courage to go through with suicide. you're just too strong too. Your life is the one thing you have that you own without question. You don't want to give it up, and that's a good thing.
Two: Glad you're seeing people about the suicide thing. The last thing the world needs is someone else taking their own life.
Three: Vent away... just make the text bigger next time so people can see it. That's what this thread is for after all.
Four: Depression is by no means an easy fix, but it's not something you should give in to. You are taking steps to help yourself, so keep trying. You only fail if you don't try.
Five: ...I hope you get better, and good luck.
Six: I will shut up now, and hopefully this post won't stop others from posting...

[Set]

http://www.cracked.com/article_18490_th ... story.html

Seriously, people, could you have made those endings suck more?

[WerewolfKeeper3]

Why the (bleep) would i bring this one back?
I don't know... i was going to bump the Venting thread too for some reason...
Still kinda feels a little dead here so... probably shouldn't but...

Why is it i always seem to use this one? Yeah i made it but, so what? Then again... i feel depressed again and i don't know why. Empty again.
Bleck! Going to work on something that'll keep me out of this rut.

[FoxKnight]

The only reason I feel the need to post here is because I failed to do so elsewhere. I'm not very comfortable with revealing any other sides of myself online and if this were under my real name I would not attempt it.


This time in my life has to be the lowest I've experienced so far. Not only have I been reclusive for much of the past year, I truly do not believe I am not welcome at home. By 18 I had expected to have found myself a decent job and go to college at the same time, but only one place bothered to tell me that I was not accepted and my grades were not quite what I had hoped for, even having to drop out of a math class, which is one of my favorite subjects. My english professor managed to get me to let out some of my issues, resulting in what I assume was an emergency counseling session because I mentioned that I had twice attempted suicide. (I am just not capable of following through with it.) After the end of that semester I did not go for the next in hopes of job hunting again, but that ended up with me having not applied anywhere and for the second time being screamed at by my mother to get a job or leave with a murderous look full of tears and my dad not knowing what to do in the background. That time I almost did leave.

For the past five months I've adopted more of a nocturnal and reclusive lifestyle. I did go for two six week summer classes and passed them both remarkably well compared to my other semester, which was good for both me and my parents. But on the last weekend of my classes I had apparently raised suspicion to my parents that lead them to believe that I needed to see a counselor or a doctor because they had offended me and I was being avoidant. On the day of my final exam my mother just happened to open my bag for school, which I had left in the living room with my journal inside full of entries that I needed to vent about them, and read some of it. What she read caused her to call my father in worry and take off the rest of the day at her work to cry in her room. I did not learn of it until my father told me after my final exam, and I immediately went into complete emergency mode: packing away everything personal in my bag, stealing every picture of taken of me so they would have nothing to remember me by, and stashing those things in my car. For the next four days, including an entire weekend, I only opened my bedroom door when they were away or asleep, avoided my mother at all costs, ate very little, spent the nights in basement playing video games, and refused to talk to any of my "family." It was only when they picked my lock on the fourth day and trapped me in my room telling me that they love me and want me to be happy and are worried about me, which were all lies because their actions and words never supported those claims. They would not leave until I revealed something, and all I wanted to do was jump out of my window on the second onto the brick patio the whole time. That was last week.

We just returned from a three day vacation that was poorly timed to happen during this heatwave. Either way, it was beneficial to go, even though I nearly was close to just staying home instead. The only downside beside the heat was my mother who gave me the cold shoulder almost the entire time. Now I plan to volunteer at an animal shelter, although that brings up emotional scars in itself, because I have little hope in finding a paying job. I will enroll for fall classes and try to look for a job so I can amass some funds to finally leave but this depression is still a big hurdle. Having depression for four years is a hard thing rid oneself of. Before anyone suggests them, I will not take medication and I will not go through another counseling session.

[WerewolfKeeper3]

The only reason I feel the need to post here is because I failed to do so elsewhere. I'm not very comfortable with revealing any other sides of myself online and if this were under my real name I would not attempt it.


This time in my life has to be the lowest I've experienced so far. Not only have I been reclusive for much of the past year, I truly do not believe I am not welcome at home. By 18 I had expected to have found myself a decent job and go to college at the same time, but only one place bothered to tell me that I was not accepted and my grades were not quite what I had hoped for, even having to drop out of a math class, which is one of my favorite subjects. My english professor managed to get me to let out some of my issues, resulting in what I assume was an emergency counseling session because I mentioned that I had twice attempted suicide. (I am just not capable of following through with it.) After the end of that semester I did not go for the next in hopes of job hunting again, but that ended up with me having not applied anywhere and for the second time being screamed at by my mother to get a job or leave with a murderous look full of tears and my dad not knowing what to do in the background. That time I almost did leave.

For the past five months I've adopted more of a nocturnal and reclusive lifestyle. I did go for two six week summer classes and passed them both remarkably well compared to my other semester, which was good for both me and my parents. But on the last weekend of my classes I had apparently raised suspicion to my parents that lead them to believe that I needed to see a counselor or a doctor because they had offended me and I was being avoidant. On the day of my final exam my mother just happened to open my bag for school, which I had left in the living room with my journal inside full of entries that I needed to vent about them, and read some of it. What she read caused her to call my father in worry and take off the rest of the day at her work to cry in her room. I did not learn of it until my father told me after my final exam, and I immediately went into complete emergency mode: packing away everything personal in my bag, stealing every picture of taken of me so they would have nothing to remember me by, and stashing those things in my car. For the next four days, including an entire weekend, I only opened my bedroom door when they were away or asleep, avoided my mother at all costs, ate very little, spent the nights in basement playing video games, and refused to talk to any of my "family." It was only when they picked my lock on the fourth day and trapped me in my room telling me that they love me and want me to be happy and are worried about me, which were all lies because their actions and words never supported those claims. They would not leave until I revealed something, and all I wanted to do was jump out of my window on the second onto the brick patio the whole time. That was last week.

We just returned from a three day vacation that was poorly timed to happen during this heatwave. Either way, it was beneficial to go, even though I nearly was close to just staying home instead. The only downside beside the heat was my mother who gave me the cold shoulder almost the entire time. Now I plan to volunteer at an animal shelter, although that brings up emotional scars in itself, because I have little hope in finding a paying job. I will enroll for fall classes and try to look for a job so I can amass some funds to finally leave but this depression is still a big hurdle. Having depression for four years is a hard thing rid oneself of. Before anyone suggests them, I will not take medication and I will not go through another counseling session.

I really don't know what to say, except...

You're trying. That means a lot. You haven't just given in.
As for the job, Volunteering means you get out of the house, away from your mother, around creatures that need love and care. Every time I'm around a dog or a cat, i feel better. They just do that to us i guess. And it gets your mind off your problems too, which can help.
When you find a job, you find a job. If you're mother keeps screaming at you to get one, remind her that you're trying your best. It's difficult enough to find one as it is, and pressuring you to get one isn't going to help.

As for the medication, i understand why. You have enough control that while you don't feel "good" all the time, you can at least stop yourself from doing anything really stupid. There's always the risk that medication can take that control away...

But as for counseling, if you don't want to take medication, try to find a counselor that you trust. Find someone who can actually help you.

[JoshuaMadoc]

It's my birthday tomorrow. Have I mentioned I hate birthdays?

[FoxKnight]

I really don't know what to say, except...

You're trying. That means a lot. You haven't just given in.
As for the job, Volunteering means you get out of the house, away from your mother, around creatures that need love and care. Every time I'm around a dog or a cat, i feel better. They just do that to us i guess. And it gets your mind off your problems too, which can help.
When you find a job, you find a job. If you're mother keeps screaming at you to get one, remind her that you're trying your best. It's difficult enough to find one as it is, and pressuring you to get one isn't going to help.

As for the medication, i understand why. You have enough control that while you don't feel "good" all the time, you can at least stop yourself from doing anything really stupid. There's always the risk that medication can take that control away...

But as for counseling, if you don't want to take medication, try to find a counselor that you trust. Find someone who can actually help you.

Yeah...but I very much would rather be dead. I just think I hate myself too much to give myself the pleasure.

My mother did say one of her co-workers worked at an animal shelter. I did tell her a few days ago that I would like to do that, but she hasn't said anything about it on Saturday or yet today, both are her workdays, so I don't believe she told her co-worker that I would do it. Although she did try to call her at work, she wasn't able tk answer the phone. My mother instead ended up showing me job offerings at animal shelters on Craigslist. I'm not exactly sure if she's telling to find a job instead.

Well, I did not originally plan on volunteering there. I have exactly had good experiences with pets. My first was a stray tabby. The deal was that I do all the work or else the cat goes. As a nine year old it was too big a responsibility for me, so after five months my mother dropped him off at an animal shelter while I was at school. Then we got two hermit crabs, which didn't really do anything at all. We had them a few months before we moved again, so they didn't come along. It wasn't until freshman year of high school did I get new pets. Dogs, cats, birds, and reptiles were all out of the question, so I ended up bringing home three goldfish from a school festival, which forced my parents to buy a tank and other necessities to keep fish. Ten more fish over three more years and I've come to believe I was not meant to care for animals. That's why I was so reluctant to consider any occupations with animals, even though I still love animals.

That's not exactly why I don't want meds. I just know I'll get addicted to them. That's also why I stay away from alcohol and drugs.

@kitetsu - Probably not, but it's not too hard to assume. My birthday is coming up in two days and I'm not looking forward to it either. Maybe I'll just drive around all day and listen to Them Crooked Vultures.

[WerewolfKeeper3]

Yeah...but I very much would rather be dead. I just think I hate myself too much to give myself the pleasure.

My mother did say one of her co-workers worked at an animal shelter. I did tell her a few days ago that I would like to do that, but she hasn't said anything about it on Saturday or yet today, both are her workdays, so I don't believe she told her co-worker that I would do it. Although she did try to call her at work, she wasn't able tk answer the phone. My mother instead ended up showing me job offerings at animal shelters on Craigslist. I'm not exactly sure if she's telling to find a job instead.

Well, I did not originally plan on volunteering there. I have exactly had good experiences with pets. My first was a stray tabby. The deal was that I do all the work or else the cat goes. As a nine year old it was too big a responsibility for me, so after five months my mother dropped him off at an animal shelter while I was at school. Then we got two hermit crabs, which didn't really do anything at all. We had them a few months before we moved again, so they didn't come along. It wasn't until freshman year of high school did I get new pets. Dogs, cats, birds, and reptiles were all out of the question, so I ended up bringing home three goldfish from a school festival, which forced my parents to buy a tank and other necessities to keep fish. Ten more fish over three more years and I've come to believe I was not meant to care for animals. That's why I was so reluctant to consider any occupations with animals, even though I still love animals.

That's not exactly why I don't want meds. I just know I'll get addicted to them. That's also why I stay away from alcohol and drugs.

@kitetsu - Probably not, but it's not too hard to assume. My birthday is coming up in two days and I'm not looking forward to it either. Maybe I'll just drive around all day and listen to Them Crooked Vultures.

1. I doubt that's it. I think it's more you don't want to give your mother the pleasure of you killing yourself. Or maybe, and i think it's more likely this, you're too strong to end your life.

2. Suggest you volunteer at a shelter first, to see if you can do it. If you can, look for a job with it.

3. Fish are tough... and i probably helped kill mine... i was too young to get what they needed so... still feel guilty about it.

4. Okay, but i still think you should try to get help. And as RedEye said originally when i made this thread, no one's a doctor phil here. no one here is a professional, or can help you as much as it seems you need it.
Last thing i want is for someone, anyone, to end their own life.

@Kitetsu: It's a reminder you're getting another year older. That's it. Actually i find it funny: it's sorta like they're celebrating you making it another year or something.

[JoshuaMadoc]

@Kitetsu: It's a reminder you're getting another year older. That's it. Actually i find it funny: it's sorta like they're celebrating you making it another year or something.

I wish it sounded that happy.

The reality is this: Over the past year, I've done nothing. My factory job doesn't count because I'm only in it for the money. I've not been able to build anything to reinforce my portfolio. All I've done is bicker, b**** and moan about what the world refuses to cater to my amoral self, while wasting away on my seat at night playing games too unstable or incomplete for me to really enjoy.

And I'm further reminded that, while I was growing up and doing nothing but drawing lifeless and motionless pictures of whatever the goddamn dumb thing I think of while I fail my classes, all the other kids took the junior game development seats and now it's gotten to the point where kids as young as 11 can make a game. This implies that they're more literate in programming languages than I am, and therefore that warrants more self-disgust.

I'm almost 25 in this life. I've yet to make a game that rivals AAA-studio horsehockey, and it may be too late for me to get in on that boat, considering how many decades it'd take for me to learn every single thing by myself. I need a f*** drink.

[WerewolfKeeper3]

23, and i've been working on the same story for the past... eight years. Still haven't gotten a single thing finished. not even to the point i could actually start revising the thing.

I get the idea of not getting anything done, repeatedly...

To be honest... i was really trying to avoid saying that, because i got the feeling that's what you meant...

[FoxKnight]

Hah! I've been working on writing a novel since fourth grade, which was nine years ago. After numerous story changes and edits and complete restarts, I've finally come up with something I actually do not hate. It's just a matter of actually beginning to write it. So, just give it more time. Eight more years if need be

As for my situation, I think I've finally bottomed out and am now on the rise. My birthday was the end of that wave of depression. Oh, and my mother did get back to me on the volunteering, which now looks like I may have to find a closer animal shelter to volunteer at

[WerewolfKeeper3]

Good Luck Fox Knight.

I think my writing really is a way for me to stop the never ending loop of crap stored in my head.

And i keep rethinking everything; either the ideas are all good, or, as has been the case for the past while, they're all bad... well not all of them... i think i've finally gotten my footing. Just need to start moving forward again.

Keep Going, as it were.

[LupusDream]

i did not realize that there was a dispersion thread. but any ways to day July 13, my pet rat Rosie just died.

[WerewolfKeeper3]

Yeah, we had a venting thread for a while so... i figured might as well create this for the opposite emotion.

And I'm sorry to hear That Winter. I really am.

[LupusDream]

WerewolfKeeper3 its ok she was old and was getting sick. i knew eventually she was about to die.