Puns

Kzinistzerg · Post by **Kzinistzerg** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 8:18 pm

I have a nice one stolen blatanly form a story in Iasic Asimov's Sci-Fi magazine..

Two guys are shipwrecked on a desert island, the captain and his first mate. The first mate searches for water, but finds none. The captian finds some red berries, eats a couple and finds them good. he callls his first mate over and they pig out on the berries, happy that they have food. they fall asleep.

The next morning, they wake up to find thier skin dyed a deep hue of red.

"oh, god," the captian moanes, "we're marooned!"

Scott Gardener · Post by **Scott Gardener** » Thu Apr 27, 2006 1:59 pm

I accused the network administrator of discrimination when he wouldn't let me connect an iMac to the network, because their policy only allowed machines running Windows. I accused him of discrimination. But, he said that real discrimination was a hot issue, and trivializing it wasn't P.C.

I've got two cats. One hangs out on the desktop, and the other is a laptop kitty. I'm the server.

Syzygy · Post by **Syzygy** » Sun Apr 30, 2006 8:02 am

A man walks into a butcher and bets him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
The butcher replies, "No, the steaks are too high."

A friend of mine got addicted to country line dancing. It got so bad he had to enter a two-step program.

Terastas · Post by **Terastas** » Sun Apr 30, 2006 11:05 am

A man was suffering uncontrolled flatulence. It was even more problematic because he was convinced all of his farts sounded like the word "Honda." His doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him, so he went to a Chinese herbalist instead with his problem and got a straight answer.

"Ah, yes, yes, you have absense," said the herbalist. "You see, absense makes the fart go 'Honda'."

Scott Gardener · Post by **Scott Gardener** » Tue May 02, 2006 5:12 pm

I have an appointment with a chiropractor, but afterwards I'll be right back.

Syzygy · Post by **Syzygy** » Sat May 06, 2006 9:58 am

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch a** should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Scott Gardener · Post by **Scott Gardener** » Sun May 07, 2006 8:24 pm

The Bishop White went on a mission to Africa, to meet with the local king, who agreed to hear his offer, including money to help build a school and to feed the hungry. The bishop stood to one side of the king and handed him the money. "Check." It was the king's move. With no one protecting the bishop, he was captured.

Fang · Post by **Fang** » Sat Jul 08, 2006 8:42 am

Q: Why are computers an air conditioning similar?

A: They both work fine till' you open windows.

xiphan · Post by **xiphan** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 10:30 am

Two men walked into a bar ... ouch...

Syzygy · Post by **Syzygy** » Sun Jul 30, 2006 2:00 am

Yesterday on the JSE Securities Exchange:

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose.
Escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca-Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Figarou · Post by **Figarou** » Sun Jul 30, 2006 4:27 am

xiphan wrote:Two men walked into a bar ... ouch...

The 3rd ducked.

Terastas · Post by **Terastas** » Sun Jul 30, 2006 6:43 am

Syzygy wrote:Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch a** should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

Fang · Post by **Fang** » Sun Sep 03, 2006 5:00 pm

What did the polygamist say when questioned about why he had so many wives?
He replied, It was bigamy.

lupine · Post by **lupine** » Sun Sep 03, 2006 5:04 pm

Man who go to bed with itchy bum

Wake up with smelly finger

Syzygy · Post by **Syzygy** » Sat Sep 09, 2006 12:36 am

How do you know you're a pirate?

You just arrrre!

Moon_Lover · Post by **Moon_Lover** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 2:38 pm

Years upon years ago, there was a man who was named Benjamin. While he grew up, he had grown a beard, and wanted to shaved it. However, the ancient mystics in his town said that if he did, he would turn to ashes and be swept away.
Humbled by this thought, he decided not to shave it. Years passed, and soon his beard grew so long that he began to trip on it. In disgust, he shaved it off. As soon as the last hair left his chin, he immediately turned to ashes and was swept away.
The ancient mystics had watched all of this happen, and knew that it was true: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
+-----------------+
By the way, do these jokes have to be appropriate?

Fang · Post by **Fang** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 2:47 pm

Syzygy wrote:Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch a** should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Nope inapropriate is good

Syzygy · Post by **Syzygy** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 11:43 am

Why do you quote me!?!?!

Moon_Lover · Post by **Moon_Lover** » Fri Sep 22, 2006 3:56 pm

Not too long ago, the god Thor was feeling lonely, so he decided to walk among the mortals.
Without warning, he cam upon a woman that had him truly smitten. She knew that he loved her in many ways, and escorted him to her home. In a night of passionate lovemaking, he had pleased her in ways that she couldn't imagine.
The next morning, when she was in the shower, he decided that he would tell her.
As she came out, he told her. "Fair lady, I have wonderful knews for you: I am Thor."
She shook her lovely head, smiled, and said, "You think you're thor? I can hardly pith."

DarkShadow · Post by **DarkShadow** » Wed Feb 07, 2007 6:33 pm

psycic convention cancelled due to unforseen troubles

Shadow_in_the_Moonlight · Fri Aug 17, 2007 6:47 pm

that last one was very pun-ny (sorry)

wicked_wolf_heart · Post by **wicked_wolf_heart** » Wed Aug 22, 2007 10:23 pm

"Goddamn, this road is rougher than a whores dream!"

sorry, something my granda always used to say to get a rise out of people

wolf4life · Post by **wolf4life** » Thu Aug 23, 2007 12:05 am

serious? dang...kinda kinky for an oldy

ravaged_warrior · Post by **ravaged_warrior** » Thu Aug 23, 2007 12:31 am

Many of these are not puns. YOUR LACK OF PUN KNOWLEDGE SHALL BE THY UNDOING.