5 bad zombie tactics

[Sebiale]

http://www.cracked.com/article/126_5-po ... ou-killed/

Discuss

[Terastas]

The only one of those five I could completely disagree with would be #3. Even if zombies don't get bored or tire out, they still suffer wear and tear. If a zombie only has its bare hands to work with and keeps scratching or banging its head against a bolted shut steel door over and over again, eventually it'll just wear its fingers down to the bone or bash its own head in for you. If you stocked up on canned goods or figured out how to grow your own food in your compound, you really could just wait until the zombies have decomposed. Even if they don't die eventually, sooner or later they'll just be so worn out and broken that it will look like a reenactment of the ending of Death Becomes Her, in which case you could then go out with a shotgun and blast their heads apart at your leisure.

But yeah, I definitely agree with the gun shop. You'd be better off raiding a liquor store and using all the cheap liquor and tobacco accessories to make Molotov cocktails instead because:
1) Most people will go for the gun shop first, so you can stock up early.
2) There are more liquor stores in the world in general, so even if a few thousand other people had the same idea, there's still plenty to go around.
3) using fire to kill zombies will help avoid the splatter hazards mentioned in the melee weapon section.
4) Fire spreads, and zombies tend to move slow and in clusters. Give a Molotov to Tom Brady and he could theoretically take out an entire horde of zombies with just one bottle.

Or if you really need guns, try looking for them at the police station or a recruiting center. If the place has been overrun, there should still be some lying around, and if it hasn't, the police are supposed to be there to protect you, so even if they don't have enough guns for everyone, it's still a good place to try and regroup with as many survivors as possible (anyone that's played Left 4 Dead knows that only n00bs try and go it alone).

The other stop I'd make instead of a gun shop would be to a sporting goods store, which. . . I guess in hindsight could suffer the same fate as the gun shops if they have a hunting section, but I wouldn't go there looking for guns. I'd go looking for a blunt object like a baseball bat or a ski pole -- something I could use to fend off any zombies that get too close to me without squirting blood everywhere (because I wouldn't be going for the kill -- just trying to knock it away or off balance long enough for me to bolt), but I'd predominantly be there looking for a helmet (preferably one with a visor so I don't get any infected blood in my face) and some extra padding around my vitals.

On leaving the city, there's only two problems with that assumption: Traffic jams only occur when one of three things happen: Everyone is going in all different directions and they have to constantly slow down / stop to let other people by at the intersections, there's some jerk at the front of the pack going five miles under the speed limit in the passing lane, or there's been an accident and every nimrod that drives by has to slow down and get a good look at it.

If literally everyone is trying to get out of the city, if they are all trying to get out as fast as they can, and if nobody could give half a crap about anybody that flipped their car over the guard rail. . . Well, traffic will still be slow, but it shouldn't be completely deadlocked like that.

The other thing they overlooked was the possibility of other means of escape. Like if it was me, my plans would indeed involve getting the hell out of the city. . . By boat. If I couldn't get on a ferry, I'd try to barter with my weapons and/or food supplies to get me onto somebody's private boat (because I'd want a bunch of fellow survivors to team up with anyway -- I don't want to lose my mind the way Will Smith did in I Am Legend). If I couldn't get onto somebody's private boat, I'd try and get one into the water myself. Even if all I had was an inflatable life raft. . . Hell, even if I had to freakin' swim to get out of Boston, I still think I'd be safe from the zombies out in the water. If they're slow and shambling like they are in the movies (and in the article), I seriously doubt any of them will be able to swim out and get me. If they do try to get out to me, I expect they'll either sink like stones or get washed away with the tide like driftwood.

The airport might not be a good place to try and escape the city, but what with the Patriot Act and homeland security, it should at least be a secure section of the airport where you can hold out and wait to be evacuated.

There are only two places I absolutely would not go in the event of a zombie outbreak. The first would be the train station, because they were built for efficiency, not security, so there will be more means of entry than they can ever hope to secure and more people there than they can ever hope to protect. The other would be the hospital, because that's likely where all the first-infecteds that just thought they had the swine flu wound up gathering; it's probably where the outbreak freakin' began.

[Wingman]

Hell, even if I had to freakin' swim to get out of Boston, I still think I'd be safe from the zombies out in the water. If they're slow and shambling like they are in the movies (and in the article), I seriously doubt any of them will be able to swim out and get me. If they do try to get out to me, I expect they'll either sink like stones or get washed away with the tide like driftwood.

In David Wellington's Monster Planet(or maybe Monster Nation), Gary the lich and his zombie minions walk along the bottom of the ocean and then clamber up the anchor's chain like disgusting monkeys. Then they proceed to eat faces.

Though, I do agree that a boat would be your best option, aside from the prospect of zombie sharks, or giant squid or something. Well, aside from the possibility of a zombie tide where they're decomposing and poisoning everything nearby, with fish nibbling on zombies, and then you nibbling on the fish.

[Set]

Why, exactly, do people think about things like this?

[Terastas]

Hell, even if I had to freakin' swim to get out of Boston, I still think I'd be safe from the zombies out in the water. If they're slow and shambling like they are in the movies (and in the article), I seriously doubt any of them will be able to swim out and get me. If they do try to get out to me, I expect they'll either sink like stones or get washed away with the tide like driftwood.

In David Wellington's Monster Planet(or maybe Monster Nation), Gary the lich and his zombie minions walk along the bottom of the ocean and then clamber up the anchor's chain like disgusting monkeys. Then they proceed to eat faces.

*nods* I remember seeing the clip online of the zombie fighting the shark. The thing is that this makes the assumption that zombies are capable of rational thought. That's also assuming that they could stay at the bottom long enough to get out to me without floating to the surface, drifting away with the current or just plain freezing to death once the temperature drops. If it was undead of a supernatural origin like the ones in Monster Planet or Pirates of the Caribbean, that would definitely change my tactics. But I'm assuming these are the brain-dead types, in which case I wouldn't expect them to even recognize what an anchor is, much less know how to climb up one.

I wouldn't be too worried about getting attacked by zombie fish, but I suppose that could poke a hole in my "bring a fly rod in case you're all alone out there for a month" plan. The zombie virus can't possibly reanimate everything, but I would keep an eye out for floaters for a week or two before I tried catching any for myself.

Why, exactly, do people think about things like this?

Same reason they sometimes ask random questions about werewolves.

[Aki]

Let's see:

5 is absolutely, positively right. Either you're armed beforehand or you're not armed - simple as that.

4 is a bit flawed. It makes the assumption that everyone will flee town via car. With, say, a bicycle, one could get out of town. Hell, if it's a mountain bike you can even skip roads in parts.

Staying in a city during a zombie apocalypse is signing your own death warrant. Even if the horde doesn't get you your GOVERNMENT will. It is invariable that once it becomes unlikely for them to take things back with normal military action they're going to bomb the s*** out of the place. Potentially with nuclear ordinance.

3. This assumes a fortification in which you have no secure means of egress and ingress. Which, with zombies, is simply not true - zombies aren't known for their agility. Or speed. There are a number of ways to keep a fortress supplied. Or to quietly come and go from your fortress as to not attract attention. And to remove the occaisonal zombie who shambles up and won't leave.

Not to mention a fortress is a lot safer than running around and hoping you can find somewhere safe to hold up every night.

2. This is stupid. Zombies are dead. This means their heart is not pumping. This means their blood is not moving. Ergo, their blood is coagulated.

A zombie isn't going to spray blood everywhere. Not even close. And it's not hard to acquire things that can protect you from that (not existent) blood spray anyways. If you're being a zombie kit, why not include a balaclava and googles combo? BAM, your major mucous membranes are protected and your other ones ...well, they shouldn't be exposed when fighting a zombie.

Then wear something nice and sturdy to protect your legs and arms and hands. Like motorcycle leathers and gear.

Bam. Done. Hell, if you bike you probably already have all this s***.

Maybe that's why bikers always seem to stick around to cause hell in the zombie apocalypse.


1. Makes sense, at first. There is a reason soldiers and cops aim to shoot at center mass - hitting anywhere else is a dicey proposition. Everything except the torso is too small and mobile to be reliably hit. If you're close enough that a knee-shot is guaranteed, you're also close enough to guarantee a head shot.

Unless of course you want to spray and pray at a group. But then: Why not spray at head level?

Flawed list is flawed.

Why, exactly, do people think about things like this?

Same reason they sometimes ask random questions about werewolves.

That, and if you're prepared for zombies you're pretty much prepared for any disaster - especially those of a violent nature.

[Terastas]

3. This assumes a fortification in which you have no secure means of egress and ingress. Which, with zombies, is simply not true - zombies aren't known for their agility. Or speed. There are a number of ways to keep a fortress supplied. Or to quietly come and go from your fortress as to not attract attention. And to remove the occaisonal zombie who shambles up and won't leave.

Good point. They did something like that in 28 Days Later -- they destroyed most of the stairs going up and instead piled up a bunch of shopping carts to get up and down. A rational human being could make their way up carefully, but an infected would just plow right into them and send them all crashing down (that even a couple of them managed to get up at all was a complete fluke).

You're only really completely holed up if your compound is the only building left standing. If you were in the city, you could in theory fortify the entire city by eliminating any means of access to the ground floors and travel across the rooftops. There are more ways to access a compound than just doors, so even if you weren't content to wait for them to start falling apart, you should still be able to come up with some means of entry that the zombies themselves cannot make any use of.

Regarding blood splatters, well. . . Even if their hearts aren't beating anymore, the average zombie should still have plenty of fluids in it. Grapefruits don't have pulses either, but cutting or prodding one of those the wrong way can still send fluids flying into your face too. It might not spray out, but it's still going to come out. . .

Which is why, like you and I already said, if you plan on using a melee weapon, you should also wear something to protect your face and vitals. And yeah, a motorcycle helmet with a visor, some leather gloves and leggings would fulfill the minimum requirements I imagine. So yeah, it absolutely would make sense for the bikers that already have all that stuff to have a better rate of survival.

[Aki]

Regarding blood splatters, well. . . Even if their hearts aren't beating anymore, the average zombie should still have plenty of fluids in it. Grapefruits don't have pulses either, but cutting or prodding one of those the wrong way can still send fluids flying into your face too. It might not spray out, but it's still going to come out. . .

Yeah, but grapefruit are things plants make that are supposed to be appealing and delicious so things eat them, eat the seeds and spread their seeds around via... yeah.

They're not very similar to a rotting human corpse - and fruit juice is not very much like human blood. Your OJ doesn't coagulate if you leave it out of the fridge. It just gets warm. Human blood? Turns into goo. Then dries up.

[Wingman]

Mmm, zombie goo.

I kinda dislike the Zombified in the Stalker games. They shoot back. Though, it is amusing if you can headshot one and get him to spasm and fire off a random bust as he topples over. Even better if said burst guns down some other zombies. With the way they mumble in Russian, half the time it just looks like they're drunk.

[Terastas]

Mmm, zombie goo.

I kinda dislike the Zombified in the Stalker games. They shoot back. Though, it is amusing if you can headshot one and get him to spasm and fire off a random bust as he topples over. Even better if said burst guns down some other zombies. With the way they mumble in Russian, half the time it just looks like they're drunk.

However, that probably is a more realistic depiction of how a person would devolve into a zombie; with the mental capacity gradually decreasing.

Blade did something similar with their zombies; they wrote in briefly that zombies are basically just vampires that are either mentally deficient or unnaturally hungry. The zombie in question was still capable of rational thought, pondered over the fact that he lacked a pulse and was able to recognize his former co-worker from the mortuary. Another movie, Reign In Darkness (which sucks) described how the vampire protagonist tried to swear off blood altogether at one point until it drove him insane, straight to the point that he began behaving like one of the infected in 28 Days Later.

I borrowed off of these two definitions a lot in forming my own personal breed of zombies, which are vampires that were either sustaining themselves with an insufficient source or were starved of plasma altogether, which results in brain damage. One thing I've toyed with doing during the plot is having one of the vampire characters isolated from the rest of the coven for an extended period of time, during which his mind starts to go. It starts off with simple stuff like not remembering where they parked the car, then escalates to the symptoms of Alzheimer's, then starts acting like a Stage 12 drunk. He never actually reaches the point of becoming the classic Romero zombie, but everyone around him can pretty much see for themselves that he's en route to becoming one.

So the zombies using guns in S.T.A.L.K.E.R. might not be that unusual. It would indicate that they were familiar with guns in their previous lives and still retain some vague memories of how to use them. They might not remember how to recognize an enemy, aim or reload, but they do remember "point and pull trigger." Half-Life 2 did something similar with their headcrab zombies; every now and then one would pull the pin on a grenade, but instead of throwing it, they would try to bludgeon their opponent with it until it detonates and kills them both. I know it's a different kind of zombie entirely, but it's the same effect more or less: the zombie demonstrates that it still remembers how to activate a grenade, but not what it does or how it's supposed to be used.

[Aki]

So the zombies using guns in S.T.A.L.K.E.R. might not be that unusual. It would indicate that they were familiar with guns in their previous lives and still retain some vague memories of how to use them. They might not remember how to recognize an enemy, aim or reload, but they do remember "point and pull trigger."

Stalker's zombies are Stalkers who've gone a little too close to the "Brain Scorcher" and had most of their brains, well, uh, fried. They can't aim very well (coordination is not very good) but they certainly do known how to recognize friend from foe (zombies don't shoot each other) and how to reload their firearms.

[Terastas]

So the zombies using guns in S.T.A.L.K.E.R. might not be that unusual. It would indicate that they were familiar with guns in their previous lives and still retain some vague memories of how to use them. They might not remember how to recognize an enemy, aim or reload, but they do remember "point and pull trigger."

Stalker's zombies are Stalkers who've gone a little too close to the "Brain Scorcher" and had most of their brains, well, uh, fried. They can't aim very well (coordination is not very good) but they certainly do known how to recognize friend from foe (zombies don't shoot each other) and how to reload their firearms.

Kay, um, I never played Stalker and my research on the subject was basically just to watch somebody else play it on Youtube, so I wouldn't have known that. But, uh. . . Yeah, you get the idea.

[Aki]

So the zombies using guns in S.T.A.L.K.E.R. might not be that unusual. It would indicate that they were familiar with guns in their previous lives and still retain some vague memories of how to use them. They might not remember how to recognize an enemy, aim or reload, but they do remember "point and pull trigger."

Stalker's zombies are Stalkers who've gone a little too close to the "Brain Scorcher" and had most of their brains, well, uh, fried. They can't aim very well (coordination is not very good) but they certainly do known how to recognize friend from foe (zombies don't shoot each other) and how to reload their firearms.

Kay, um, I never played Stalker and my research on the subject was basically just to watch somebody else play it on Youtube, so I wouldn't have known that. But, uh. . . Yeah, you get the idea.

I figured as much, heh.

I just felt like pointing that out because Stalker's zombies are fun. And they kinda surprised me the first time I ran into them.