Jokes

Short Tail · Post by **Short Tail** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 6:47 pm

I love to tell jokes so I wanted to make a thread where people could add their favorite/best jokes or get some new material. I did a search and found no joke thread so here we go.
Rules: keep it clean. (no racial, sexual or sexist jokes) if there is even a chance it might offend someone, don't post it

I can only think of my favorite one right now.

Why should you never say the number 288 in a polite convorsation?

[spoiler]It's two gross[/spoiler]

outwarddoodles · Post by **outwarddoodles** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 8:05 pm

I remember I did start a thread awhile ago where I posted one of my lame jokes; it was the one about stepping on a duck. I can't come up with jokes, but I love hearing them and then telling to others. The thing is that I always change the joked to appeal to me more, and I always make them really long for no reason. And don’t tell me I didn’t warn you, my jokes are lame.

Yet anyhow:

A man was driving down a peaceful country road, yet as he gazed to his side he saw a llama and a farmer out in a field. Next to the llama stood a sign that read: “Llama for Sale’. He was intrigued by this llama; it was the most beautiful llama he had ever seen! Not to mention he had heard llamas were very lovable creatures, so he felt the need to have one. The man’s brother had owned some land near here anyway; maybe he could keep the llama there!

So the man pulls up to the driveway, gets out of his car, and approaches the old man. “Excuse me sir.” The man called out. “Is that the llama that is for sale?”
“Yes, she is.” Answered the farmer, and he led the llama up to the man.
“I would love to buy her.” The man said, moving his hand over the llama’s thick wool.
“Okay.” The old man nodded. “Yet she doesn’t look so good.”
The man looked at the llama, he felt a bit through her wool.
“She looks perfectly fine.” Answered the man.
The old man shook his head. “She doesn’t look good.”
The man once again checked out the llama, he studied its legs, looked at her big eyes, and even looked at her crooked teeth.
“She looks perfect.” The man said, yet the old man just shook his head in response. The man saw this was just going no where. “Well, look, I’ll just buy the llama and go.”

The man bought the llama and the next day he picked her up. Yet the day after that the man came rushing back, furious as can be.
“The llama you sold me was blind!” he yelled at the old farmer.
The old man stepped back and answered: “I told you she didn’t look so good.”

One day and Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The Priest was hovering over his putter staring at the golf ball, he was right on the green and the hole was right there! The Priest hit the golf ball, it rolled right past the hole.
“Damn, I always miss those close ones!” He murmured.
The Nun shot him an accusing look. “You better not say that or God will strike you down!” she scolded.
The Priest went on to the putting, once again the ball rolled past the hole.
He stomped his foot into the turf. “Damn, I always miss those close ones!”
The Nun once again game him a mean look. “I already told you; don’t say bad words or God will strike you down.”
The Priest tried yet once again, and again, he missed.
“Damn! I always miss those close ones!” he cried.
Then, there was a giant flash of light and a clash of thunder as a bolt of lightning hit the Nun.
Then god said “Damn, I always miss those close ones.”

Lone_Wolf · Post by **Lone_Wolf** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 8:46 pm

Love those, unfortunately none to post myself atm

Terastas · Post by **Terastas** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 11:05 am

I hope nobody finds this offensive.

A pagan dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. He asks Peter: "Is this Summerland?"

"Summerland? Oh, no, no, we annexed Summerland recently. Does that mean you are a Pagan? If so, I'm so sorry but we can't let Pagans into Heaven. You'll have to go downstairs."

So he goes downstairs to Hell and explains his situation to the devil.

"Welcome to Hell," says Satan. "Please, let me give you the tour. To your left over here is the tennis court, the pool over there will be open once we have the filters replaced, and being a Pagan, you may be interested to know that the Pagans hold weekly Yugioh tournaments every Wednesday and-"

Suddenly a hole in the ground opens up before them, sending hundred-foot tall flames to the sky and a hundred people are cast down from the sky and into the flames and the hole closes back up.

"W. . . What the hell was that?!" the Pagan chokes.

The devil rolls his eyes. "Pay them no mind. They're Catholics. They wouldn't have it any other way."

Kaebora · Post by **Kaebora** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 11:47 am

Ok... just so we are on the same page...
Aggie = Dumb person. (No offence if you're a dumb person.)

One day a cowboy, a native american indian, and an aggie were at a hunting lodge. They all decided that they should part and go their separate ways to hunt game.

After several hours the cowboy returned to the lodge with a rabbit. "How did you do it?", the people in the lodge asked. The cowboy replied, "I followed the tracks, I follwed the tracks and BOOM. I shot a rabbit with my shotgun." The applauded his skill.

Another hour after that the indian returned, dragging a deer. "How did you do it?", the people in the lodge asked. The indian replied, "I followed the tracks, I followed the tracks and BOOM. I shot a deer with my arrows." Everyone was most impressed with his skill and stood up in applause. They could only wonder in anticipation with what the 3rd man had caught.

After another four hours, everyone was beginning to get worried. They wondered what had happened to the Aggie. Finally, he came busting through the door and collapses on the floor. Everyone rushed to pick up his lifeless, bloody, and cut up body. After a drink of water the people in the lodge asked. "What happened?!" The Aggie looked up and said, "I followed the tracks, I followed the tracks and BOOM. I got hit by a train."

Timber-WoIf · Post by **Timber-WoIf** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 12:51 pm

heh i love stupid jokes, so of coarse i know some! most are extreamly lame, and several may have been heard before. Alas, i'll have to post them as i remember them...

Whats the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits a windshield?

[spoiler]ITS a**!!![/spoiler]

There were two muffins in an oven. One muffin says, "Man its hot it here." Then the other says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

This one i cant remember very well, but here goes...

An indian boy arrived with his father to an indian convention. His father asked him to check them. So he found one of the organizers, and asked to be checked in.
The pulled out a pen and asked, "Whats your tribe?"
The boy answered "The Fa-kawee"
The man went over a list of tribes on his clipboard, and couldn't find the boy's. "The Fa-kawee?"
"Yes, the Fa-kawee."
he went over his list again. "Are you sure, because it's not on this list."
The boy answered, "Yes i'm sure. Every morning, on our trip here, my father would climb from his tent, reach his arms to the sky and call out 'WE'RE THE FA-KAWEE!!!'"

I also love Darwin Awards!!!

for example...

Two guys were clearing rubble of a tower. The tower was tall, and each wore a harness, and attached themselves to something secure as they tossed debris to the ground below. There was one especially large and heavy piece of debris, that they had decided to save for last. When they finnally got to it. they had to push and shove to get it off the side. after the final shove, one of the workers noticed the slack in thier safty line dissapearing at an alarming rate, and realize he forgot to unattach himself from the gigundo peice of debris.

Short Tail · Post by **Short Tail** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 1:01 pm

Actually an Aggie is usualy assciated with agraculture(sp?). An example are the Texas A&M Aggies.

outwarddoodles · Post by **outwarddoodles** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 3:47 pm

Three men woke it up in heaven where they were greeted by an Angel. The Angel asked the first man: "Have you cheated on your wife?"
The man nodded his head, "Yes, twice." he answered.
The Angel nodded her head back and then infrequent of the man appeared a Mini Van that the man was to drive to heaven and get through the Pearly White Gates.
The Angel asked the second Man the same question. He said yes, once, and he was given a sports car.

The Angel then asked the third man "How good were you to your wife?”
"I was always loyal, and kind, and loved her with all my life." Answered the third man, he was given a limo, complete with a driver and drinks, for his ride into heaven.

Yet later the two earlier men stopped to see the third man pulled over and sitting next to his car sobbing. They asked him what was wrong and the third man answered "I just saw my wife go by on a Skateboard."

Kaebora · Post by **Kaebora** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 3:48 pm

I know that. I actually almost attended that college, but passed it up for one in New Mexico. (Better art programs.) However, an Aggie can also be referring a stupid person. That's how the joke was told in Texas anyways.