Stanton's Big Checklist For Werewolf Movies
Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2005 1:38 am
So, whenever I go watch a werewolf movie/show/-themed episode, I always have this little mental checklist of three criteria to check off. If at least one criterion is satisfied, then I leave the movie/show/-themed episode at least somewhat pleased.
The first and most important criterion to be satified is the transformation scene. If I find the transformation scene to be satisfying, then I'll suffer all sorts of viewer abuse. If I find the scene to be lacking, I'm very sorry Mr Brownrigg, but I will not hesitate to lambast ReQuest Entertainment in so scathing a manner, it will not only be so great a verbal crucifixicion, complete with shin-pounding, but my critique will be so unrelenting that Ebert and Ropert will summon Siskel's ghost to come and admonish me with "That wasn't a nice thing to say!"
But I digress...
What do I like in a werewolf transformation scene? To be to the point (sort of) I like seeing clothing being torn asunder by rippling, roiling flesh, with aforementioned flesh sprouting fur willy-nilly.
I want to stress that werewolves wearing intact clothing is an abomination in my eyes. Clothing worn by a changing werewolf is specifically made to be ripped into ribbons. Also, a simple computer-morph transformation is another abomination to my eyes. As such, when I finally saw that old saw in "The Howling: A New Moon Rising" change, I was as upset as when a PETA member finds out that there's a KFC opening in his neighborhood.
I also would prefer that the legs be shaped anatomically correct. When I watched "An American Werewolf in Paris", when I saw Seraphine's legs sprout extra joints, I nearly pulled my hair out, as these people had a huge budget, yet they didn't bother to do their homework.
I also prefer that, should the main character be a lycanthrope, infected, cursed, or otherwise, he/she should be shown transforming in an unobstructed manner, not that crap they did with Andy in AWIP, where he jumps into a fountain, or where they shifted point of view in the subway.
Since I know you will provide several transformation scenes, I need not speak of the horrors that await the fates of those werewolf movie makers who made werewolf movies WITHOUT SHOWING PEOPLE CHANGE INTO WEREWOLVES, and tried to make an excuse for it.
(at least, once they fall into my clutches)
One more thing:
I have always been a fan of pneumonic pumps in transformation scenes. Had they used some when Ted was changing in "Bad Moon," well, then, I would have decided that that scene would have equalled, if not surpassed what was done in "The Howling."
Another criterion is to have an aesthetically pleasing werewolf that actually looks like a wolf. There is a reason why I always have the tape I recorded "An American Werewolf In London" wound to the part where David starts changing. That's because I don't want to look at the obese wolverine he changes into. And that the morons who did AWIP took that and turned it into hideous, mutant monkey-lion-bastards is simply salt on my wounds. While I did like "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," I hated watching the episodes concerning Oz and the full moon. The fact that they had him turn into this ugly dog-monkey Lawrence Talbot descendant continues to make me everso pissed. I don't want to watch the latest Harry Potter movie: Lupin looks like the anemic, emiciated lovechild between a rat, and an ugly pitbull that's had one too many enemas.
My final criterion is to have competent actors. Looking at the genre of werewolf movies, though, I might as well be wishing for Catherine Zeta Jones to run away with me to Acapulco so I can have her love child.
But, competent acting was what made me a fan of AWIL, and competent acting was what saved me from verbally crucifying the makers of "Wolf." In AWIP, it was obvious that they were trying too hard to to be funny, and that helped me to think it was more than simply abysmal.
And for one thing, I do not consider pissy one-liners to be competent acting.
And if the movie involves vampires vs werewolves, I have one extra criterion:
Please, for the love of puppies, don't have werewolf vampire hybrids! Theyare one of the few things on this Earth that equal reality tv shows in corniness and dorkyness.[/i]
The first and most important criterion to be satified is the transformation scene. If I find the transformation scene to be satisfying, then I'll suffer all sorts of viewer abuse. If I find the scene to be lacking, I'm very sorry Mr Brownrigg, but I will not hesitate to lambast ReQuest Entertainment in so scathing a manner, it will not only be so great a verbal crucifixicion, complete with shin-pounding, but my critique will be so unrelenting that Ebert and Ropert will summon Siskel's ghost to come and admonish me with "That wasn't a nice thing to say!"
But I digress...
What do I like in a werewolf transformation scene? To be to the point (sort of) I like seeing clothing being torn asunder by rippling, roiling flesh, with aforementioned flesh sprouting fur willy-nilly.
I want to stress that werewolves wearing intact clothing is an abomination in my eyes. Clothing worn by a changing werewolf is specifically made to be ripped into ribbons. Also, a simple computer-morph transformation is another abomination to my eyes. As such, when I finally saw that old saw in "The Howling: A New Moon Rising" change, I was as upset as when a PETA member finds out that there's a KFC opening in his neighborhood.
I also would prefer that the legs be shaped anatomically correct. When I watched "An American Werewolf in Paris", when I saw Seraphine's legs sprout extra joints, I nearly pulled my hair out, as these people had a huge budget, yet they didn't bother to do their homework.
I also prefer that, should the main character be a lycanthrope, infected, cursed, or otherwise, he/she should be shown transforming in an unobstructed manner, not that crap they did with Andy in AWIP, where he jumps into a fountain, or where they shifted point of view in the subway.
Since I know you will provide several transformation scenes, I need not speak of the horrors that await the fates of those werewolf movie makers who made werewolf movies WITHOUT SHOWING PEOPLE CHANGE INTO WEREWOLVES, and tried to make an excuse for it.
(at least, once they fall into my clutches)
One more thing:
I have always been a fan of pneumonic pumps in transformation scenes. Had they used some when Ted was changing in "Bad Moon," well, then, I would have decided that that scene would have equalled, if not surpassed what was done in "The Howling."
Another criterion is to have an aesthetically pleasing werewolf that actually looks like a wolf. There is a reason why I always have the tape I recorded "An American Werewolf In London" wound to the part where David starts changing. That's because I don't want to look at the obese wolverine he changes into. And that the morons who did AWIP took that and turned it into hideous, mutant monkey-lion-bastards is simply salt on my wounds. While I did like "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," I hated watching the episodes concerning Oz and the full moon. The fact that they had him turn into this ugly dog-monkey Lawrence Talbot descendant continues to make me everso pissed. I don't want to watch the latest Harry Potter movie: Lupin looks like the anemic, emiciated lovechild between a rat, and an ugly pitbull that's had one too many enemas.
My final criterion is to have competent actors. Looking at the genre of werewolf movies, though, I might as well be wishing for Catherine Zeta Jones to run away with me to Acapulco so I can have her love child.
But, competent acting was what made me a fan of AWIL, and competent acting was what saved me from verbally crucifying the makers of "Wolf." In AWIP, it was obvious that they were trying too hard to to be funny, and that helped me to think it was more than simply abysmal.
And for one thing, I do not consider pissy one-liners to be competent acting.
And if the movie involves vampires vs werewolves, I have one extra criterion:
Please, for the love of puppies, don't have werewolf vampire hybrids! Theyare one of the few things on this Earth that equal reality tv shows in corniness and dorkyness.[/i]