Osama's newest release

[Scott Gardener]

So, Osama bin Laden actually wants to open up a forum for negotiations. He actually says he'll offer terms of peace, but not before blowing things up one last time.

I've tried contemplating being open-minded and tolerant, but I just can't seem to get past my overwhelming desire to see his severed head on a pike. I know, I should be willing to listen, and willing to see the other point of view. I do think it's a step forward, and I would like to see bin Laden come out of hiding (and standing under a large "X") so that we can begin discussing terms.

Suppose we were to suspend our aversion to the idea just for a moment, and imagine how such an encounter might go...

bin Laden: So, you accept my offer to negotiate.

Scott Gardener: Sure. (pulls out gun and shoots him in the head. *BLAM*) Sorry, I couldn't help it. We Americans are that way.

bin Laden: I get that a lot. Anyway, my terms are pretty reasonable.

Scott Gardener: (*BLAM*) I'm sure they... Oh, sorry about that. My gun was still loaded.

bin Laden: That's alright. Now, as for my terms...

Scott Gardener: (*BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, click*) It's a six-shooter. Anyway, as you were saying...

bin Laden: Yes. We just want the withdrawal of American forces from...

Scott Gardener: (*BLAM*) I like this gun better. A little less recoil.

bin Laden: (actively bleeding) Could we please stick to the subject?

Scott Gardener: Right. Sorry.

bin Laden: We want Americans to stop interfering with...

Scott Gardener: (*BLAM*) Sorry, I tried not to shoot you as long as I could, but I thought for a moment I saw a bald eagle, and the idea just hit me.

bin Laden: Right, anyway...

Scott Gardener: (*BLAM*) Sorry. Now I've got that song stuck in my head, the one that goes, "God Bless America." Maybe if you met with someone from outside the U.S.

bin Laden: Fine, if we can just get on with the negotiations.

Monty Python's John Cleese: (*BLAM*) Long live the Queen! Oh, terribly sorry. Just thinking about some friends of mine on the London Tube. Anyway, and, I see that you're still moving. (*BLAM*) Mr. Gardener, how goes the negotiations?

Scott Gardener: They've been a bit unilateral.

bin Laden: Indeed, I do seem to be getting shot at a bit more than usual today.

John Cleese: Now, as you were saying. (*BLAM*) You (*BLAM*) wanted (*BLAM*) the (*BLAM*) complete (*BLAM*) withdrawal (*BLAM*) of (*BLAM*) Coalition (click) forces... Mr. Gardener, do you have a spare magazine?

Scott Gardener: Here.

John Cleese: Thanks, much obliged.

bin Laden: From both Iraq and Afghanistan...

John Cleese: (*BATATATATATATATATA-BLAM*) It's got a fully automatic setting, but don't tell anyone. Oh, Mr. bin Laden, could you do me a favor?

bin Laden: possibly, what did you have in mind?

John Cleese: (hands bin Laden a grenade, and then pulls the pin out) Could you hold this? Mr. Gardener, would you mind ducking for a few moments into this ditch?

(An explosion; bin Laden emerges, covered in black ash except for his beady eyes)

Scott Gardener: Mr. Cleese, can you drive a tank?

John Cleese: I'd be delighted.

(the two drive over bin Laden with a tank, crushing him with its treads)

John Cleese: I'm really more of a thermonuclear warhead guy. I know, not very P.C., but I've been known to offend a few people.

(bin Laden is obliterated by a hydrogen bomb)

Scott Gardener: (on phone with the White House) Well, the negotiations went pretty well, I thought. The U.K. decided to get involved, and we worked out something with which we're pretty satisfied.

[Anubis]

are they actualy going through this? what happened to "WE DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!" i hope Bin ladden gets the f*** blown out of him!!

*takes out a M-11 points and fires at Bin Ladden* (sings)O'SAY CAN YOU SEE!!

[Prowler]

The likelyhood of that happening is 0 to none, says "publicity stunt" to me. Anyway, haven't CIA have fired a cruise missle on a terrorists moblie signal before so i recon they can do the same thing with an internet address.
Alas one evil person means nothing to me, its the millions of good ones just standing by and letting them get away with it that boggles the mind.

[Nishah]

Mind that I'm not an american and that I can't fully relate to the sense of patriotism, but "evil" is a very very stretchable term...

if the "millions of good people", including most gouvernments had given a damn about those global issues before the arab movements deceided to bomb america, it wouldn't have happenend at all...

But no exploiting/ignoring/repressing is so much easier...
well... sorry, but you can push people only that far before they start pushing back real hard...

Please, understand that I in no way or form agree with/condone/applaud the actions taken by the terrorists, but neither do I in any way agree with or applaud the actions of 90% of the world's gouvernments...

[Renorei]

Either Scott truly despises Bin Laden...or he's making fun of George Bush. If it's the former, great! If it's the latter... .

[Timber-WoIf]

1st thing to remember is "good" and "bad" are like object velocities. Its all relitive. If i'm not mistaken, we had oppertunities to capture/kill Bin Laden before he blew up the towers. He just wasn't our problem at the time.

anyway, i say to hell with negotiations. We should keep on keepen-on, till we hunt down and kill the camel-humper and every sonofabitch that follows him. NO QUARTER!!!!!!!!!!

[Set]

I never heard the broadcast but I remember them mentioning something about it on the news. Oh and Jay Leno made fun of it. I love comedians.

Either Scott truly despises Bin Laden...or he's making fun of George Bush. If it's the former, great! If it's the latter... .

What's wrong with making fun of Bush? He's a bloody idiot. (To the English: sorry if I butcher your language, but I really don't give a damn.)

I don't like Bin Laden, but I don't like Bush either. A monkey could run this country better than he does. Quite frankly, I'd like to see both their heads on a pike.

[Timber-WoIf]

Hey! Bush may not have made the best decisions and perfect responses, but they were all at least half decent. He's had one helluva presidency too, considering all the disasters he had to deal with. How many problems did Clinton have to deal with?

[Miguel]

True, True

[Set]

"Half-decent"? Since when was half-decent good enough when YOU RUN THE DAMN COUNTRY?! Someone may be able to get away with that in a pie baking contest but that doesn't fly when you're president.

I think he's done an awful job. Bush is gonna screw America over one way or another, doesn't matter if it's because of all these dumb laws he's trying to pass that attempt to take away our freedom or if it's because of the abysmal job he's done with Iraq, he's gonna screw everyone over big time.

Face it, we're going the way of Rome. They had several crappy leaders that eventually led to their downfall and that's exactly what's happening here. Bush is just the worst so far.

Land of the free my a**.

[Miguel]

As long as we catch the little rat Osama, i'm happy.

[Timber-WoIf]

alas he is right. but, in Bush's defense, hindsight is always 20/20.

the problem with the world today (and America in particular) is there is no way to complete solve every problem, to resolve ever conflict, or to please every citizen, because there a too damn many of us, from conservitive catholics to gay couples to hookers to neo-nazis to tree-huggers to big-buissinessmen to liberal scholars to war veterans... well, you get the idea. As a result, it is phisically impossible for any modern presedent to make any great decisions because no matter what he decides a large mass of people will still be pissed off and s*** will happen.

as a result of this lose-lose situation, today becoming president = political suicide. Therefore, those that are most qualified for the position are, alas, too smart to run. So instead we get to choose from people like Bush and Gore.

So yes, we are starting a string of crappy presidents and, who knows? mabye our downfall is near. I do believe that our goverment is at least on the brink of becoming so corrupted (not neccissarily 'evil' corrupt, just normal 'human' corrupt) that it is completly inneffecient, ineffective, and FUBARed.

like a hard drive overloaded with spyware, adware, and trojans, the government may be due fore some reformatting...

[Scott Gardener]

Well, my dislike of Bush is pretty legendary, but the post was more about my absolute hate for Osama bin Laden. When he goes on about how Bush is going against the will of the world, I only get angrier, because his support for anything only undermines its credibility.

When I heard that he was going to suggest terms for mutual coexistance, I wanted so much to consider giving it a listen, because under nearly every other circumstance, I'm all in favor of putting aside differences and seeing if there's a way to live peacefully together.

But, I can't make myself not shoot him on sight. He and the ideologies he represent are the root cause of all the strife he's claiming to want to end. Sure, Fundamentalism in America also causes strife, and even influences the Bush administration, which in turn causes more unneccessary strife. But, bin Laden's associates include people like the Taliban, who created one of the worst human rights crises of the past twenty years. I enjoy criticizing the Bush administration as much as the next MoveOn.org member, but when I hear bin Laden doing it, it's just... not right. Hey, that's my @$% you're talking about!

[Set]

it is phisically impossible for any modern presedent to make any great decisions because no matter what he decides a large mass of people will still be pissed off and S#@^ will happen.

While it's true you can't please everyone, you can at least minimize the impact of people you didn't. Bush just happened to fail quite spectacularly at it.

I do believe that our goverment is at least on the brink of becoming so corrupted (not neccissarily 'evil' corrupt, just normal 'human' corrupt) that it is completly inneffecient, ineffective, and FUBARed.

Then what good would it be to us?

like a hard drive overloaded with spyware, adware, and trojans, the government may be due fore some reformatting...

Nice analogy.

I enjoy criticizing the Bush administration as much as the next MoveOn.org member, but when I hear bin Laden doing it, it's just... not right. Hey, that's my @$% you're talking about!

Heh. I wonder what makes people react that way. It seems kinda weird.

[Vilkacis]

I can already see a couple people getting a bit excited. Honestly, I couldn't care less if you guys want to talk politics, but keep in mind that it's a charged subject, so don't let things get out of hand.

Thanks,
-- Vilkacis

[Nishah]

it is phisically impossible for any modern presedent to make any great decisions because no matter what he decides a large mass of people will still be pissed off and S#@^ will happen.

While it's true you can't please everyone, you can at least minimize the impact of people you didn't. Bush just happened to fail quite spectacularly at it.

While the above statements are absolutley true, I only wonder at the fact that it's always the same groups of people that get their way and th same groups of people that get stuck in the cold...

I've heard mentioning here of groups like gay couples, hookers, poor people... How many times (and please correct me if i'm wrong) has the bush administration given them precedence over the businessmen, weapon constructors and jew political pressure groups ?
I mean hell, when has america as a political whole ever really cared about the opinion of all the other countries in the NATO-alliance under Bush ?

I'd love to think he's doing this out of a sense of greater good, but I seriously doubt that. I have quite a few Arab friends and trust me, their families in Syria/Iran/Iraq are NOT terrorists, but get their fair share of threats and shrapnell...

One of his uncles - a respectable businessman - was arrested and kept in a cell of the US military just 'cause he happened to be on the wrong side of the wrong city block during one of their raids. It took them months to get him out....
now tell me.... could you understand that man forever bearing a grudge against America ? I could... And can I understand if they do that to him/his family again, he could start funding anti-american movements... Yes I could...

So please... see the larger picture instead of just raging for a man's head on a pike... Solve the problem first, then punish the guilty... going about it the other way just makes for more people willing to blow holes in your native soil... Killing Osama will solve nothing ! He'll become a martyr and two will step in to take his place...
As soon as the US learns that lesson, they'll be one step closer to solving this...

And again, my sympathies go out to all that have lost people dear to them in the attacks on the US, but that goes for the Arab communities as well !

[Renorei]

Either Scott truly despises Bin Laden...or he's making fun of George Bush. If it's the former, great! If it's the latter... .

What's wrong with making fun of Bush? He's a bloody idiot. (To the English: sorry if I butcher your language, but I really don't give a damn.)

I don't like Bin Laden, but I don't like Bush either. A monkey could run this country better than he does. Quite frankly, I'd like to see both their heads on a pike.

**Note: Though I am conservative, I am not a Bush supporter per se. However, I do think he is doing a better job than Kerry would have done. But ultimately, I still don't like him.**

Making fun of Bush (or any other president) will not help him run the country any better. However, making fun of him will help deepen the already deep divisions between people with different political beliefs. Ultimately, ridiculing Bush has no potential to do any good, but it does have the potential to do lots of bad.

[Timber-WoIf]

[quote="Nishah"]One of his uncles - a respectable businessman - was arrested and kept in a cell of the US military just 'cause he happened to be on the wrong side of the wrong city block during one of their raids. It took them months to get him out....
now tell me.... could you understand that man forever bearing a grudge against America ? I could... And can I understand if they do that to him/his family again, he could start funding anti-american movements... Yes I could...
[/quote

as i said earlier, good and bad are relitive. Terrorists don't strap bombs to themselves and blow up busses filled with women and children because it gives them kicks. Odds our their targets have wronged them, thier family, thier nation, or thier culture, in some way, directly or indirectly. Just like we go after the drug dealer that supplies funds to terrorists, they hate the people who support opressive capitalists. After all, everybody hates our government, but its the nations fault as a whole for electing corrupt officials in the first place.

[Set]

Making fun of Bush (or any other president) will not help him run the country any better. However, making fun of him will help deepen the already deep divisions between people with different political beliefs. Ultimately, ridiculing Bush has no potential to do any good, but it does have the potential to do lots of bad.

I suppose that's true, but until America elects me president there's nothing else I can do except complain. So that's what I'm doing.

Besides...maybe if the president actually listened to people instead of forcing his views on them he wouldn't have such a crappy approval rating.

[Renorei]

I suppose that's true, but until America elects me president there's nothing else I can do except complain. So that's what I'm doing.

Good luck with that.

[Scott Gardener]

True, it's not ultimately Osama, but the one-dimensional thinking he represents. And, the Bush administration's "you are either with us or with the terrorists" philosophy clearly smacks of the same unilateralism.

I deeply regret that my government has failed the world on critical matters such as the Kyoto Accord, given the clear and present danger that global warming represents to all life on Earth, and the injustices caused by the Iraq war.

But, darn it, I still can't make myself picture a conversation with Osama bin Laden that doesn't involve bloodshed. I know it's a character flaw, but I still have to live with it.

[vrikasatma]

Dammit, Scott, you and Cleese just went over the top there! Why didn't you call me first? You could have at least held off a few minutes while I skinned him! I need to make a pair of riding boots!

Seriously, though, as soon as I heard "truce," I said "I'm all for an armistice but the fact remains, you're still responsible for a boatload of people coming to grief. Tookie Williams didn't get away with it, you shouldn't either."

Keep in mind that Bin Ladin thinks we all suck dead donkey bazookas, because we're not his brand of Muslim (if indeed you could call him that. He's no more Muslim than Jeffrey Dahmer was an Aztec high priest).