How a werewolf stand-up comedian might describe it

[Scott Gardener]

Note to any would-be bullies: werewolves make lousy victims. You can't pick on us the way you can the rest of everyone in high school. We have this kind of thing about us. I know, you like to pick on those who are different, but the thing that makes us different also makes us not the best choice of people to pick on. Come on, didn't you see "The Howling"?

There's also another thing for would-be bullies to know. Werewolves travel in packs. So, while all seven or eight of you are ganging up on the one lowly lycanthrope, thinking you have a chance to bother him for a few minutes before he guts all of you, there's a few more of us, lurking and ready to pounce. So, bullies, now might be a good time to go home and re-think your life.

If that's not enough, there's one more thing, and I think you know this one. That's right, we're contageous. Nerds can't bite you and make you smarter, and preppies can't fix your wardrobe with their teeth and saliva, but we're like the Borg. We can even do that glowing light thing if we stand in the right place. Yeah, assimilating you is one of the best perks of lycanthropy, because then we get to watch you go through... the change.

Here's what it's like. First, you get bitten, but you don't think it's a big deal. You think, gee, that's not that big a bite. I'm not bleeding that much. You're like that knight in Monty Python. "Es merely uh flesh wuoond." Surely that can't be enough to get it.

Then, you wake up the following morning with a bit of a cold. So, after all the exhaustive research by all these secret underground organizations, for some reason you think you can cure lycanthropy with a bottle of Tylenol. I wonder if there's an article in the New England Journal of Medicine about that. "Acetomenophen for prophylaxis in lycanthropy exposure." Let me tell you from experience--it doesn't work!

Next comes the LSD stage, around maybe the third day or so. This is when you smell colors and hear scents. Trees become an orangish yellow, and it's April. This is also about the time you quit smoking, because suddenly, now you can smell them. And, all this doesn't seem to bother you. But, you suddenly have this startling realization that people smell like food. That bothers you. You start to think, not only am I a werewolf, but worry, what if everyone's wrong, and it really is like The Howling? So, you start begging all your friends and loved ones to take up smoking, so they'd stop smelling so tasty.

Next comes the part where you think you're starting to shift, but not. It's Braxton-Hicks shape shifting. You start getting fur, and then it sinks right back into the skin. You start to think, "oh, no, here it comes... argh... ahhh... just kidding." By this point, you've carefully taken off all your clothes, and you're standing there, naked. After doing this a few more times, you decide, to heck with it, I'll just rip the clothes off like a normal werewolf.

It's around the seventh or the eighth day, and you think, gee, this isn't really all that bad. But, then, that little shifting headache comes back and doesn't go away. All the little shifts that were going on before then decide to gang up and all show up at once. "Hi, we're back, and we brought friends." American Werewolf in London had it about right, except you're not changing into an angry monkey. You start to grunt and reel in pain, but then the werewolf union shows up, telling you you're supposed to howl at this point. You do the clothes rip, the face stretch, and all that, and then, you take a deep breath, thinking you're done. Dude, you're just getting started.

So, you stand up on your hind legs, but they're paws now, and you have a tail, and you haven't the foggiest idea where a few of your toes went. You start to limp forward, and just when you're getting it all figured out, your lycanthropy says, "gotcha," and you change again!

So, more screaming and carrying on, more rolling and writhing, and when it's over, you're four-legged. You're ferocious, majestic, and dare I say it, cute. And all those strange smells and sounds you thought were new, you've gotten used to. But, they've got friends, too. You run around the woods, or your bathroom if you were stupid enough to lock yourself in before the change, which many of us tend to do the first time. Paws and doorknobs don't go together very well--any cat can tell you that. And, you're glad the transformation is finally over, and you can get on with your life.

But, then, you notice that you're a wolf. And, your wolfy muzzle is pretty firm, and your forepaws are so different from hands that you wonder how could you have gotten from what you were to what you are, or, worse yet, how you're going to get back. Every one of us has at least one moment, about two hours and thirty seven minutes after the forepaws hit the ground, where you think you're stuck for the rest of your life in wolf form. The rest of us, if we're lucky to catch you when this happens, can sit back and watch you as this wolf, hopping about on its hind legs, trying to stand up and succeeding for a few seconds before dropping back on all fours.

But, you finally do become human, and the weird thing is, it's not as hard as becoming a wolf. Yes, it's horribly painful the first few times, but often you're so exhausted from your carnivorous lunar activities that you sleep through it.

And no, you don't end up talking to zombies the next morning. That's only in the movies. So is walking on walls, pentagrams on your hands, and echoing howls that make people's eyeballs explode.

Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.

[Grayheart]

Wow, just wow! This is really a good, well done work, Scott Gardener! Very funny - how did you get the idea?

[Nishah]

After wiping the tears from my eyes due to exessive laughing, I am struck speechless by the monologue...

Paws and doorknobs... just royal !

[Figarou]

Paws and doorknobs don't go together very well--any cat can tell you that.

Thats where you get one of these beauties with a handle instead of a knob.

[SnowWalker]

Paws and doorknobs don't go together very well--any cat can tell you that.

Thats where you get one of these beauties with a handle instead of a knob.

awww man that is awesome... where did you get that?!

~Snowy

[Apokryltaros]

Someone forgot to get his distemper shot again...

[outwarddoodles]

The whole time I was reading this I was imagining a werewolf, in gestalt form, up upon a stage saying all that you wrote.

It certainly made me giggle.

[Set]

Am I the only one who didn't find it funny?

[Renorei]

Am I the only one who didn't find it funny?

I found it to be a very enjoyable read...but it didn't make me laugh.

But, then again, those same words, if they were actually said by a stand-up comic with good delivery, might be hilarious. I typically find it very difficult to laugh simply by reading something, so that's probably why I didn't laugh.

[Chhayawolf]

It at least got a smirk outta me, and i'm not one to laugh at something unless its seriously THAT FUNNY. So i give it a two tails up.

[Aki]

Am I the only one who didn't find it funny?

I found it to be a very enjoyable read...but it didn't make me laugh.

But, then again, those same words, if they were actually said by a stand-up comic with good delivery, might be hilarious. I typically find it very difficult to laugh simply by reading something, so that's probably why I didn't laugh.

Same here. It just a gruin, but that was about it. *shrug*

Still very good.

[shey]

hey that was really good you can write good you should see if you can get something like that in the movie it would be funny

[Scott Gardener]

To those who thought it was funny: Thank you!



To Set: Hey, you read it, so I won't complain.

[Scott Gardener]

http://www.deviantart.com/view/28276202/

I found this great DeviantArt drawing--it really sums it up.

[Chhayawolf]

Arg it says file not found!

[Scott Gardener]

I fixed it; it should work.

Non try tithing with proms.
(lycanthropese for "You try typing with paws.")

[Chhayawolf]

That's hilarious! Lycantropy is not for wimps!

[Set]

To Set: Hey, you read it, so I won't complain.

[Shadow Wulf]

Am I the only one who didn't find it funny?

I found it to be a very enjoyable read...but it didn't make me laugh.

But, then again, those same words, if they were actually said by a stand-up comic with good delivery, might be hilarious. I typically find it very difficult to laugh simply by reading something, so that's probably why I didn't laugh.

You and me both Renorei.

[Scott Gardener]

So, you've decided that we werewolves have a cool thing going, so you want someone to bite you. Word of warning: make sure to get a good look at the werewolf before you get bitten. Because you don't want to get bitten by, say, that hairless rat monster in Ginger Snaps. If you don't get at least seventy percent body surface fur, you're getting ripped off. You want to get bit by Hugh Jackman from Van Helsing. Nine feet tall, razor sharp teeth--if someone makes you mad, you can throw cars at him. Now that's the kind of werewolf I wish I was, none of this "I can tell what you're feeling by your scent" stuff. I want to be able to swallow my enemies whole.

While we're at it, there's some other strange powers I wouldn't mind having, since werewolves appearantly are from Planet Krypton. I want to be immortal, like in the Underworld series. I also wouldn't mind that wall-climbing ability. They're like, the Amazing Wolfspider Man. But my favorite super powers would have to be the evil werewolf hive queen in Howling 2. We have a hive queen, did you know that? Didn't I say we were like the Borg? She can utter howling incantations that make our enemies eyes explode, and her ultimate nemesis is Count Dooku from Attack of the Clones.

But, all this pales in comparison to Werewolf: the Apocalypse. Wouldn't it be great if it were like that game? They can teleport! You'd never have to be late for work. You get stuck in traffic, you can just slip into the Umbra and appear on the job. During your lunch break, you can even jump through a moon gate and go to a sacred caern in, say, Miami beach. And sure, you have all these evil Republican demons that you have to battle, but you get all these cool "gift" powers from various spirits, that let you do all kinds of things. And, you get great weapons with cool stats. Who wouldn't want a grand klaive tucked in your official werewolf-issue trench coat? Throw in immortality, and you can be like The Highlander. Dude, now's the time of not only the Apocalypse, but also the Gathering!

So, how come they get all the neat stuff, and all I get is a wolf form and the ability to hear the annoying noises of all the computers, microwaves, and stuff at the office? The guys in that game get to leap tall buildings, while I get to smell the aftershave of the guy upstairs three rooms over.

[ChaosWolf]

This is awesome.

[Scott Gardener]

It amazes me how many different things that people try to do to a bite wound. There's classics like isopropyl alcohol or lemon juice. Then, there's hydrogen peroxide, which is good, because it doesn't hurt like the dickens. There's various herbal remedies, like belladonna derivatives. There's silver nitrate. Good one! There's the guy who tried burning the wound. Yes, there'a been a number of different ways of trying to prevent lycanthropy after a bite. We have heard it all. There's a special name for those people who have tried all these different methods. We call them... "werewolves."

[SnowWalker]

I There's a special name for those people who have tried all these different methods. We call them... "werewolves."

HAHA! Now that one was great!

~Snowy

[garouda]

Hee Hee

Funny, entertaining thread.

Scott, you've got plenty of clever moves.

Now pass the Moon Shine ........

[Scott Gardener]

Werewolves have played an important role in popular culture for the past several decades, far more than most people realize. We came up with some very important catch-phrases. Have you ever heard about being "dragged, kicking and screaming"? That was us. And remember "bite me"? Oh... so young and naive...

Here's one. "Surprise me." As in, "What do you want on your pizza? / I don't care, surprise me." Okay. How many of us have daydreamed of walking in with a box of pepperoni and Canadian bacon, holding it in mid-form, big and pointy teeth, fur all over, standing on hind paws, the whole works, and just kind of walking in. Surprise!