Puns
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Puns
"Hey, you've heard of Keyboard face right?"
"What happens when you fall asleep on a keyboard right? what about it?"
"Doctors now say that it's a Terminal Illness."
sorry everyone, couldn't resist. Of course, feel free to add your own puns. ;)
"What happens when you fall asleep on a keyboard right? what about it?"
"Doctors now say that it's a Terminal Illness."
sorry everyone, couldn't resist. Of course, feel free to add your own puns. ;)
Wolf Dude Nu-jutsu!
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These are all taken from my random sig quote collection. Some of them are not quite puns, but I put them in anyway.
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: Why are werewolves usually unemployed?
A: Because they're shifty characters!
Q: Why are werewolves better than vampires?
A: Because werewolves don't have a problem with steaks!
Q: What would you get if you crossed a werewolf with a party animal?
A: A howl of a good time!
Q: Why do werewolves bay at the moon?
A: Just for the howl of it.
Q: What's the best place to keep a werewolf?
A: In a werehouse!
Apples have meant trouble since Eden. -- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fi
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
A new koan:
If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
It is an ice cream koan.
Beauty: What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
Confirmed bachelor: A man who goes through life without a hitch.
Meetings, n.: A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Poisoned coffee, n.: Grounds for divorce.
Polygon: Dead parrot.
I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it.
Wok, n.: Something to thwow at a wabbit.
A little pain never hurt anyone.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright
<awkward> anyone around?
<Flav> no, we're all irregular polygons
Be aware! (The world needs more weres...)
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
Editing is a rewording activity.
"I'm dying," he croaked.
"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
"You snake," she rattled.
"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
"Company's coming," she guessed.
"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
All mammals have hair. Whales are mammals. Shave the whales!
<Fulgore> whats the complement to a 43 degree angle?
<sparks> My you're looking "acute" today
Magic is real -- unless declared integer.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Actual Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Actual Headline: Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Actual Headline: Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Actual Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Actual Headline: Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Actual Headline: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Actual Headline: Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Actual Headline: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Actual Headline: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Bumper Sticker: Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
I had a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
A backward poet writes inverse.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Man who falls into upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out his application he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read his application and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!" The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read, "THOAP!"
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Bees are very busy souls
They have no time for birth controls
And that is why in times like these
There are so many Sons of Bees.
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. -- G. K. Chesterton
I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.
onslaught86: Your spelling's so bad your blood must be type-o.
2 Y's U R. 2 Y's U B. I C U R. 2 Y's 4 me!
She sells cshs by the C shore.
<Victorian_Skunk> Is there a new virus going around? My Windows has suddenly changed to another language! I think it's Croatian.
<Dan> You Got Serbed!
-- Vilkacis
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: Why are werewolves usually unemployed?
A: Because they're shifty characters!
Q: Why are werewolves better than vampires?
A: Because werewolves don't have a problem with steaks!
Q: What would you get if you crossed a werewolf with a party animal?
A: A howl of a good time!
Q: Why do werewolves bay at the moon?
A: Just for the howl of it.
Q: What's the best place to keep a werewolf?
A: In a werehouse!
Apples have meant trouble since Eden. -- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fi
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
A new koan:
If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
It is an ice cream koan.
Beauty: What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
Confirmed bachelor: A man who goes through life without a hitch.
Meetings, n.: A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Poisoned coffee, n.: Grounds for divorce.
Polygon: Dead parrot.
I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it.
Wok, n.: Something to thwow at a wabbit.
A little pain never hurt anyone.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright
<awkward> anyone around?
<Flav> no, we're all irregular polygons
Be aware! (The world needs more weres...)
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
Editing is a rewording activity.
"I'm dying," he croaked.
"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
"You snake," she rattled.
"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
"Company's coming," she guessed.
"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
All mammals have hair. Whales are mammals. Shave the whales!
<Fulgore> whats the complement to a 43 degree angle?
<sparks> My you're looking "acute" today
Magic is real -- unless declared integer.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Actual Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Actual Headline: Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Actual Headline: Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Actual Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Actual Headline: Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Actual Headline: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Actual Headline: Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Actual Headline: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Actual Headline: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Bumper Sticker: Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
I had a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
A backward poet writes inverse.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Man who falls into upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out his application he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read his application and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!" The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read, "THOAP!"
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Bees are very busy souls
They have no time for birth controls
And that is why in times like these
There are so many Sons of Bees.
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. -- G. K. Chesterton
I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.
onslaught86: Your spelling's so bad your blood must be type-o.
2 Y's U R. 2 Y's U B. I C U R. 2 Y's 4 me!
She sells cshs by the C shore.
<Victorian_Skunk> Is there a new virus going around? My Windows has suddenly changed to another language! I think it's Croatian.
<Dan> You Got Serbed!
-- Vilkacis
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- Scott Gardener
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Biology teacher: Didn't anyone finish their entymology assignment yet?
Student: Katy did.
Biology teacher: The rest of you get B's.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Felbella Miniature Pony: I'm a little hoarse.
A wolf walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "why the long face?"
Student: Katy did.
Biology teacher: The rest of you get B's.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Felbella Miniature Pony: I'm a little hoarse.
A wolf walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "why the long face?"
Taking a Gestalt approach, since it's the "in" thing...
- Scott Gardener
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A DC-10 was forced to make an emergency landing, and no airport was close enough. But, a mile-long stretch of road was rapidly cleared by the authorities of a suburban community. All seemed well, until a phenomenal coincidence happened. A private jet also experienced mechanical failure and had to make a similar emergency landing. The authorities rushed into action and cleared another section of road perpendicular to the first. The two planes both came to a stop within only a few feet of each other. Onlookers and witnesses rushed in, until the local fire department arrived to order everyone back. Paramedics and volunteers at the scene were then allowed in single-file to assist passengers and crews of both craft.
So, a line occurred at an intersection between two planes.
So, a line occurred at an intersection between two planes.
Taking a Gestalt approach, since it's the "in" thing...
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He crashed through several windows, but felt no pane.
The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
My new expensive vacuum cleaner really sucked.
My brother saved money by shaving his head rather than going to the barber. You might say he was making cutbacks.
Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory
He forgot to pay me for the computer I sold him. Bad cache memory.
Stealing someone's coffee is called "mugging"
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted
On organic farms they till it like it is.
The apple crossed the street because he wanted to get to the other cider the road
One palm tree said to another "let's have a date."
Two werewolves are watching a movie. One says,"I'm gonna get us some munchies". His friend said" Great!! I'll "paws" the movie..
Sorry had to put that in there..I have such a lame imagination
The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
My new expensive vacuum cleaner really sucked.
My brother saved money by shaving his head rather than going to the barber. You might say he was making cutbacks.
Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory
He forgot to pay me for the computer I sold him. Bad cache memory.
Stealing someone's coffee is called "mugging"
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted
On organic farms they till it like it is.
The apple crossed the street because he wanted to get to the other cider the road
One palm tree said to another "let's have a date."
Two werewolves are watching a movie. One says,"I'm gonna get us some munchies". His friend said" Great!! I'll "paws" the movie..
Sorry had to put that in there..I have such a lame imagination
- Scott Gardener
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Ressurecting More BAD Puns
I had such a bad cold, I thought I was coffin to death.
Prison walls are never built to scale.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Good gardeners take care of their plants - weed 'em and reap.
Prison walls are never built to scale.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Good gardeners take care of their plants - weed 'em and reap.
Eat more tobasco.
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No punning. Violators will be pun-ished to the fullest extent of the law.
Worst pun ever I heard of was in this joke:
Worst pun ever I heard of was in this joke:
Yeah, yeah, I know:A magician had purchased an iron mine to fund his studies, in which he hired a trio of dwarves to go in, mine, and earn an hourly fee. He cared little what they did in their private lives, so long as they kept to their work while in the mines. However, he eventually came to find out that the dwarves were sneaking vials of oil down with them into the mines and were using them to make coffee.
He addressed them and said he did not pay them to sit around drinking coffee all day and that they were never to bring vials of oil or coffee into the mines again. A week later, however, he discovered that were continuing to drink coffee in the mines.
He addressed them again, but this time said: "I swear, if I catch you dwarves making coffee in the mines again, I'll turn you all into frogs."
It seemed to have gotten their attention, but one day the magician decided to go down into the dark, lightless mines himself before the dwarves did. Sure enough, when they began work in the daytime, they brought a vial of oil for each of them, set them down and immediately began to use them to make coffee. The magician came out of the darkness, waves his magic wand and turned two of them into frogs. When he turned to the third, the dwarf shouted: "What are you doing?"
"I warned you. No perking. Vial lighters will be toad."