The dangers of.... BREAD!

Akela · Post by **Akela** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 3:03 pm

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!
Research on bread indicates that:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

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In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Hamster · Post by **Hamster** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 3:08 pm

....................................

Akela · Post by **Akela** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 3:15 pm

It's beautiful, unfortunately I can't claim credit for it.

outwarddoodles · Post by **outwarddoodles** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 3:18 pm

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Figarou · Post by **Figarou** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 3:33 pm

Akela wrote:It's beautiful, unfortunately I can't claim credit for it.

hmmm..maybe this person wrote it.

http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/61 ... -panic.htm

Oh...I went to a convenience store to make a gasoline delivery. I noticed the girl who works there putting hot dogs on the warmer for the customers. She then started to put the hot dog buns in little bags. I couldn't resist saying "Nice buns" to her.

Anubis · Post by **Anubis** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 3:34 pm

thats is awesome

Lupin · Post by **Lupin** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 3:35 pm

Figarou wrote:
Akela wrote:It's beautiful, unfortunately I can't claim credit for it.

hmmm..maybe this person wrote it.

http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/61 ... -panic.htm

It's probably one of those things that has bounced around on the internet forever.

Akela · Post by **Akela** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 3:46 pm

Probably, that's not even the site I found it on.

Darum · Post by **Darum** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 4:12 pm

all i can say is: WTF?

white · Post by **white** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 7:50 pm

Hehe, makes such a good point.

outwarddoodles · Post by **outwarddoodles** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 8:37 pm

Sort of reminds me of this site: http://www.dhmo.org/

Ofcource, youi have to look at the name of it closely to figure out what they're talking about. Some of my friends couldn't get it.

:wetwolf4:

Akela · Post by **Akela** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 9:11 pm

Good one, even better than this, much better!

Historically, studies which explore the public's desire to support a ban of DHMO produce 80-90% in favor of a ban. These results are still being analyzed, and some have proposed that an unusually high rate of information literacy may have biased the results.

lol It has biased the results indeed.

Shadow Wulf · Post by **Shadow Wulf** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 9:21 pm

So uhhh is this all real facts!?! *starts eating sweet bread*

white · Post by **white** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 11:43 pm

Haha, nice find, outwarddoodles!

vrikasatma · Post by **vrikasatma** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 2:20 am

DMHO?! Hey, d'you know how many kids die from that every year? I've heard the withdrawal symptoms can kill you in less than a week. Aigh. Unacceptably high mortality rate, methinks...

Lupin · Post by **Lupin** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 2:27 am

Hydroxic Acid is a lot more descriptive term, considering it's very good at dissolving things.

vrikasatma · Post by **vrikasatma** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 2:31 am

I saw a marquee downtown yesterday. It said, "Don't drink water. If it rusts iron, imagine what it does to your stomach!"

You know, it's been awhile, I'm going to swill down my meds and chase it with a big hit of hydric acid while I'm at it, too. Mackenzie Crystal, hoo boy! Good stuff, brother.

Black Shuck · Post by **Black Shuck** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 9:43 pm

lmao!! That is so awesome!

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Gotta watch out for that water. Rust out you gut like a bottle brush in Coca-Cola, lol!

Searif · Post by **Searif** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 10:13 pm

Dear lord, I have to say that these are quite odd, simply outragous

Renorei · Post by **Renorei** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 10:56 pm

I love stuff like this. This reminds me of that thing Vilkacis posted in another thread. I think it was called "They're Made of Meat."

Black Shuck · Post by **Black Shuck** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 11:32 pm

I remember in Earth Science, there was thing about the dangers of water. It didn't tell you it was water though. It jsut went on about how this substence in a gaseous form killed so many people a year, how many people died from inhaling it in it's liquid form, or got burned by it. Stuff like that. After we read this, we were asked what to do about this dangerous substence, not knowing it was water.