How a werewolf stand-up comedian might describe it
Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 12:39 am
Note to any would-be bullies: werewolves make lousy victims. You can't pick on us the way you can the rest of everyone in high school. We have this kind of thing about us. I know, you like to pick on those who are different, but the thing that makes us different also makes us not the best choice of people to pick on. Come on, didn't you see "The Howling"?
There's also another thing for would-be bullies to know. Werewolves travel in packs. So, while all seven or eight of you are ganging up on the one lowly lycanthrope, thinking you have a chance to bother him for a few minutes before he guts all of you, there's a few more of us, lurking and ready to pounce. So, bullies, now might be a good time to go home and re-think your life.
If that's not enough, there's one more thing, and I think you know this one. That's right, we're contageous. Nerds can't bite you and make you smarter, and preppies can't fix your wardrobe with their teeth and saliva, but we're like the Borg. We can even do that glowing light thing if we stand in the right place. Yeah, assimilating you is one of the best perks of lycanthropy, because then we get to watch you go through... the change.
Here's what it's like. First, you get bitten, but you don't think it's a big deal. You think, gee, that's not that big a bite. I'm not bleeding that much. You're like that knight in Monty Python. "Es merely uh flesh wuoond." Surely that can't be enough to get it.
Then, you wake up the following morning with a bit of a cold. So, after all the exhaustive research by all these secret underground organizations, for some reason you think you can cure lycanthropy with a bottle of Tylenol. I wonder if there's an article in the New England Journal of Medicine about that. "Acetomenophen for prophylaxis in lycanthropy exposure." Let me tell you from experience--it doesn't work!
Next comes the LSD stage, around maybe the third day or so. This is when you smell colors and hear scents. Trees become an orangish yellow, and it's April. This is also about the time you quit smoking, because suddenly, now you can smell them. And, all this doesn't seem to bother you. But, you suddenly have this startling realization that people smell like food. That bothers you. You start to think, not only am I a werewolf, but worry, what if everyone's wrong, and it really is like The Howling? So, you start begging all your friends and loved ones to take up smoking, so they'd stop smelling so tasty.
Next comes the part where you think you're starting to shift, but not. It's Braxton-Hicks shape shifting. You start getting fur, and then it sinks right back into the skin. You start to think, "oh, no, here it comes... argh... ahhh... just kidding." By this point, you've carefully taken off all your clothes, and you're standing there, naked. After doing this a few more times, you decide, to heck with it, I'll just rip the clothes off like a normal werewolf.
It's around the seventh or the eighth day, and you think, gee, this isn't really all that bad. But, then, that little shifting headache comes back and doesn't go away. All the little shifts that were going on before then decide to gang up and all show up at once. "Hi, we're back, and we brought friends." American Werewolf in London had it about right, except you're not changing into an angry monkey. You start to grunt and reel in pain, but then the werewolf union shows up, telling you you're supposed to howl at this point. You do the clothes rip, the face stretch, and all that, and then, you take a deep breath, thinking you're done. Dude, you're just getting started.
So, you stand up on your hind legs, but they're paws now, and you have a tail, and you haven't the foggiest idea where a few of your toes went. You start to limp forward, and just when you're getting it all figured out, your lycanthropy says, "gotcha," and you change again!
So, more screaming and carrying on, more rolling and writhing, and when it's over, you're four-legged. You're ferocious, majestic, and dare I say it, cute. And all those strange smells and sounds you thought were new, you've gotten used to. But, they've got friends, too. You run around the woods, or your bathroom if you were stupid enough to lock yourself in before the change, which many of us tend to do the first time. Paws and doorknobs don't go together very well--any cat can tell you that. And, you're glad the transformation is finally over, and you can get on with your life.
But, then, you notice that you're a wolf. And, your wolfy muzzle is pretty firm, and your forepaws are so different from hands that you wonder how could you have gotten from what you were to what you are, or, worse yet, how you're going to get back. Every one of us has at least one moment, about two hours and thirty seven minutes after the forepaws hit the ground, where you think you're stuck for the rest of your life in wolf form. The rest of us, if we're lucky to catch you when this happens, can sit back and watch you as this wolf, hopping about on its hind legs, trying to stand up and succeeding for a few seconds before dropping back on all fours.
But, you finally do become human, and the weird thing is, it's not as hard as becoming a wolf. Yes, it's horribly painful the first few times, but often you're so exhausted from your carnivorous lunar activities that you sleep through it.
And no, you don't end up talking to zombies the next morning. That's only in the movies. So is walking on walls, pentagrams on your hands, and echoing howls that make people's eyeballs explode.
Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.
There's also another thing for would-be bullies to know. Werewolves travel in packs. So, while all seven or eight of you are ganging up on the one lowly lycanthrope, thinking you have a chance to bother him for a few minutes before he guts all of you, there's a few more of us, lurking and ready to pounce. So, bullies, now might be a good time to go home and re-think your life.
If that's not enough, there's one more thing, and I think you know this one. That's right, we're contageous. Nerds can't bite you and make you smarter, and preppies can't fix your wardrobe with their teeth and saliva, but we're like the Borg. We can even do that glowing light thing if we stand in the right place. Yeah, assimilating you is one of the best perks of lycanthropy, because then we get to watch you go through... the change.
Here's what it's like. First, you get bitten, but you don't think it's a big deal. You think, gee, that's not that big a bite. I'm not bleeding that much. You're like that knight in Monty Python. "Es merely uh flesh wuoond." Surely that can't be enough to get it.
Then, you wake up the following morning with a bit of a cold. So, after all the exhaustive research by all these secret underground organizations, for some reason you think you can cure lycanthropy with a bottle of Tylenol. I wonder if there's an article in the New England Journal of Medicine about that. "Acetomenophen for prophylaxis in lycanthropy exposure." Let me tell you from experience--it doesn't work!
Next comes the LSD stage, around maybe the third day or so. This is when you smell colors and hear scents. Trees become an orangish yellow, and it's April. This is also about the time you quit smoking, because suddenly, now you can smell them. And, all this doesn't seem to bother you. But, you suddenly have this startling realization that people smell like food. That bothers you. You start to think, not only am I a werewolf, but worry, what if everyone's wrong, and it really is like The Howling? So, you start begging all your friends and loved ones to take up smoking, so they'd stop smelling so tasty.
Next comes the part where you think you're starting to shift, but not. It's Braxton-Hicks shape shifting. You start getting fur, and then it sinks right back into the skin. You start to think, "oh, no, here it comes... argh... ahhh... just kidding." By this point, you've carefully taken off all your clothes, and you're standing there, naked. After doing this a few more times, you decide, to heck with it, I'll just rip the clothes off like a normal werewolf.
It's around the seventh or the eighth day, and you think, gee, this isn't really all that bad. But, then, that little shifting headache comes back and doesn't go away. All the little shifts that were going on before then decide to gang up and all show up at once. "Hi, we're back, and we brought friends." American Werewolf in London had it about right, except you're not changing into an angry monkey. You start to grunt and reel in pain, but then the werewolf union shows up, telling you you're supposed to howl at this point. You do the clothes rip, the face stretch, and all that, and then, you take a deep breath, thinking you're done. Dude, you're just getting started.
So, you stand up on your hind legs, but they're paws now, and you have a tail, and you haven't the foggiest idea where a few of your toes went. You start to limp forward, and just when you're getting it all figured out, your lycanthropy says, "gotcha," and you change again!
So, more screaming and carrying on, more rolling and writhing, and when it's over, you're four-legged. You're ferocious, majestic, and dare I say it, cute. And all those strange smells and sounds you thought were new, you've gotten used to. But, they've got friends, too. You run around the woods, or your bathroom if you were stupid enough to lock yourself in before the change, which many of us tend to do the first time. Paws and doorknobs don't go together very well--any cat can tell you that. And, you're glad the transformation is finally over, and you can get on with your life.
But, then, you notice that you're a wolf. And, your wolfy muzzle is pretty firm, and your forepaws are so different from hands that you wonder how could you have gotten from what you were to what you are, or, worse yet, how you're going to get back. Every one of us has at least one moment, about two hours and thirty seven minutes after the forepaws hit the ground, where you think you're stuck for the rest of your life in wolf form. The rest of us, if we're lucky to catch you when this happens, can sit back and watch you as this wolf, hopping about on its hind legs, trying to stand up and succeeding for a few seconds before dropping back on all fours.
But, you finally do become human, and the weird thing is, it's not as hard as becoming a wolf. Yes, it's horribly painful the first few times, but often you're so exhausted from your carnivorous lunar activities that you sleep through it.
And no, you don't end up talking to zombies the next morning. That's only in the movies. So is walking on walls, pentagrams on your hands, and echoing howls that make people's eyeballs explode.
Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.