Obi Wan Kenobi and the Quest for the Holy Grail

[Scott Gardener]

Obi Wan and Anakin ride up to a castle.

Obi Wan: "Hello!"

Gunray and Haako, the Trade Federation leaders, look down. "Who is it?"

Obi Wan: "It is Obi Wan Kenobi and the Jedi Knights. Whose castle is this?"

Gunray: "This is the castle of my master, Lord Sideous."

Obi Wan: "Go and tell your master that we have been charged by the Council with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the plans to the Death Star."

Gunray: "Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see."

Obi Wan: "What?"

Anakin: "He says they've already got one!"

Obi Wan: "Are you sure he's got one?"

Gunray: "Oh, yes. It's very nice-a." (aside to others) I told him we already got one." (Other Trade Federation officials chuckle)

Obi Wan: "Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?"

Gunray: "Of course not! You are Jedi types-a!"

Obi Wan: "Well, what are you?"

Gunray: "I'm Neimoidian! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Jedi?!"

Anakin: "What are you doing on Naboo?"

Gunray: "Mind your own business!"

Obi Wan: "If you will not show us the plans, we shall take your castle by The Force!"

Gunray: "You don't frighten us, human pig-dogs! Go and slice off your hands, sons of a silly person. I blow my noseless face at you, so-called Obi Wan Kenobi, you and all your silly Jedi k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!" (pats head)

Anakin: "What a strange person."

Obi Wan: "Now look here, my good man--"

Gunray: "I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed Bantha food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a Jawa and your father smelt of taun tauns!"

Anakin: "Is there someone else up there we could talk to?"

Gunray: "No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!"

Obi Wan: "Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable."

Gunray: (To other Neimoidians) "Fetchez la acklay."

Haako: "Quoi?"

Gunray: "Fetchez la acklay!"

(Eight-legged, three-eyed, crablike creature shrills as it is flung over the wall, onto the two Jedi.)
-----

Obi Wan: "We maintain the balance of power through The Force. It binds us, penetrates us. Luminous beings are we..."

Peasant: "Listen. Stout green men with big ears, lying in bogs, distributing martial arts is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical ceremony."

Obi Wan: "Will you be quiet!"

Peasant: "Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some green dwarf threw a light saber at you!"

Obi Wan: "Shut up!"

Peasant: "I mean, if I went 'round saying I was a champion of the Galaxy just because a group of weirdos had lobbed a glowing scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

-----
Amidala's decoy: "Oh, wicked, wicked Padme. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here on Naboo, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Death Star-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her."

Handmaidens: "A spanking! A spanking!"

Obi Wan: (bursting in) "Quick, Anakin! You're in great peril! Come on! We'll cover your escape!"

Anakin: "But Master! Let me face the peril!"

Obi Wan: "It's too perilous!"

-----
Count Dooku: "Behold! The cave of Dagobah!"

Obi Wan: (to Anakin) "Keep me covered!"

Dooku: "Too late! There he is!"

R2-D2 appears at the cave, drawing in his third leg, spinning his head around a little, and making cute blip noises.

Obi Wan: "Where? Behind the astro-droid?"

Dooku: "No! It is the astro-droid!"

Obi Wan: "You silly sod!"

Dooku: "That is no ordinary droid! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered robot you ever set eyes on!"

Anakin: "You tit; I soiled my robes, I was so scared."

Dooku: "He's got huge, sharp hardware extensions! He can leap about... look at the bones!"

Obi Wan: "Anakin, go chop his head off."

Anakin: "Right, Master. One droid stew, coming right up!" (fires up light saber and walks over)

Dooku: "Look!"

R2-D2 emits a "wheeeeoooo!!!," fires up side rockets, spins head rapidly, and numerous extensions start hacking and slicing. Anakin runs, barely escaping a flaming oil slick. R2 then slowly drops back to the ground and goes back to merry little blip noises.

Dooku: "I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little droid, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them..."

[Vilkacis]

-- Vilkacis

[Aki]

Hahaha.

[Vuldari]

...

[Baphnedia]

I'd love to go post that on my website - or invite you to do the work... Verrry good.

[Kzinistzerg]

that's hilarous.... all i could think of while reading it was "and then the animator died and the fierce dragon dissapeared." from monty pythion. other scene went thru my head to.....

[Scott Gardener]

Go ahead and post it. I'm sure more material will come up.

Maybe the battle with General Grevious; all seemed lost for Obi Wan until the ILM CGI effects team manager had a sudden heart attack and died.