THE PACK Message Boards

Obi Wan and Anakin ride up to a castle.

Obi Wan: "Hello!"

Gunray and Haako, the Trade Federation leaders, look down. "Who is it?"

Obi Wan: "It is Obi Wan Kenobi and the Jedi Knights. Whose castle is this?"

Gunray: "This is the castle of my master, Lord Sideous."

Obi Wan: "Go and tell your master that we have been charged by the Council with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the plans to the Death Star."

Gunray: "Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see."

Obi Wan: "What?"

Anakin: "He says they've already got one!"

Obi Wan: "Are you sure he's got one?"

Gunray: "Oh, yes. It's very nice-a." (aside to others) I told him we already got one." (Other Trade Federation officials chuckle)

Obi Wan: "Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?"

Gunray: "Of course not! You are Jedi types-a!"

Obi Wan: "Well, what are you?"

Gunray: "I'm Neimoidian! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Jedi?!"

Anakin: "What are you doing on Naboo?"

Gunray: "Mind your own business!"

Obi Wan: "If you will not show us the plans, we shall take your castle by The Force!"

Gunray: "You don't frighten us, human pig-dogs! Go and slice off your hands, sons of a silly person. I blow my noseless face at you, so-called Obi Wan Kenobi, you and all your silly Jedi k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!" (pats head)

Anakin: "What a strange person."

Obi Wan: "Now look here, my good man--"

Gunray: "I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed Bantha food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a Jawa and your father smelt of taun tauns!"

Anakin: "Is there someone else up there we could talk to?"

Gunray: "No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!"

Obi Wan: "Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable."

Gunray: (To other Neimoidians) "Fetchez la acklay."

Haako: "Quoi?"

Gunray: "Fetchez la acklay!"

(Eight-legged, three-eyed, crablike creature shrills as it is flung over the wall, onto the two Jedi.)
-----

Obi Wan: "We maintain the balance of power through The Force. It binds us, penetrates us. Luminous beings are we..."

Peasant: "Listen. Stout green men with big ears, lying in bogs, distributing martial arts is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical ceremony."

Obi Wan: "Will you be quiet!"

Peasant: "Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some green dwarf threw a light saber at you!"

Obi Wan: "Shut up!"

Peasant: "I mean, if I went 'round saying I was a champion of the Galaxy just because a group of weirdos had lobbed a glowing scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

-----
Amidala's decoy: "Oh, wicked, wicked Padme. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here on Naboo, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Death Star-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her."

Handmaidens: "A spanking! A spanking!"

Obi Wan: (bursting in) "Quick, Anakin! You're in great peril! Come on! We'll cover your escape!"

Anakin: "But Master! Let me face the peril!"

Obi Wan: "It's too perilous!"

-----
Count Dooku: "Behold! The cave of Dagobah!"

Obi Wan: (to Anakin) "Keep me covered!"

Dooku: "Too late! There he is!"

R2-D2 appears at the cave, drawing in his third leg, spinning his head around a little, and making cute blip noises.

Obi Wan: "Where? Behind the astro-droid?"

Dooku: "No! It is the astro-droid!"

Obi Wan: "You silly sod!"

Dooku: "That is no ordinary droid! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered robot you ever set eyes on!"

Anakin: "You tit; I soiled my robes, I was so scared."

Dooku: "He's got huge, sharp hardware extensions! He can leap about... look at the bones!"

Obi Wan: "Anakin, go chop his head off."

Anakin: "Right, Master. One droid stew, coming right up!" (fires up light saber and walks over)

Dooku: "Look!"

R2-D2 emits a "wheeeeoooo!!!," fires up side rockets, spins head rapidly, and numerous extensions start hacking and slicing. Anakin runs, barely escaping a flaming oil slick. R2 then slowly drops back to the ground and goes back to merry little blip noises.

Dooku: "I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little droid, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them..."

-- Vilkacis

Hahaha.

...

I'd love to go post that on my website - or invite you to do the work... Verrry good.

that's hilarous.... all i could think of while reading it was "and then the animator died and the fierce dragon dissapeared." from monty pythion. other scene went thru my head to.....

Go ahead and post it. I'm sure more material will come up.

Maybe the battle with General Grevious; all seemed lost for Obi Wan until the ILM CGI effects team manager had a sudden heart attack and died.